MSTable movies: X

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XANADU (1980)
If anyone needs a refresher why the world loathes Olivia Newton John, take two minutes to watch her sing 'Magic' from this over-sythesized musical hell-ride, and it will revelate back to you with sudden clarity. You literally need blue-blockers to prevent getting your retinaes burned by the reflecting glitz. The E.L.O. music alone will make you want to kill disco all over again. And none the more appropriate time, don't you think? Gene Kelley makes his final performance in a musical with this feature. A role that just makes ya wanna stretch out your hand toward the screen and yell to his image," C'mon! C'mon Gene! I will take you from this place! C'mooooon Geeeeeene!" Travolta probably later wondered in Barberello-like disdain why he couldn't get decent work after this film.
Frank Lund, w.bate@sk.sympatico.ca

Rebuttal

XENA AND HERCULES: THE ANIMATED MOVIE
This is VERY MSTable...

It's basically an attempt to cash-in on Disney's Hercules and "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" and "Xena: Warrior Princess"...I am a fan of the later two (though I admit they themsleves will probably be pretty MSTable in about 10 or 20 years ) and fell into their trap...luckily, I only rented the 'toon. Anywho, the animation is some of the worst I've never seen (if not the very worst)...It vaguely resembles the very basic and rushed sketches for some exaggerated caricatures (complete with a horse-faced version of Hercules) mixed in with Early 50's\ Ren and Stimpy style coloring (Ren and Stimpy could also probably take credit for character design) mixed horribly with VERY VERY VERY Korean animation...

The plot itself is meaningless...Examples of Extreme Stupidity in Plot: Gabrielle (Xena's sidekick) is for reasons unknown turned into a giant eagle or hawk or some other bird -o- prey, which motivates Xena to help the gods stop the titans (don't ask me why)...The Gods are turned into various animals by the Titans (don't ask me why)...Hercules's mom is shrunk down so that she can fit into a small castle made by Zeus (don't ask me why). The songs are sooo bad they are hilarious... the Titan song actually includes the lines "Boom chacca lacca lacca boom, boom boom" as well as such poetic verses as "We're the Titan's and we're the worst. We're so much more meaner and perverse." There are a thousand other little things that, in addition to the horrible animation and mindless plot as well as the simple fact that it is an obvious Disney rip-off and cash-in, make this "animated movie" a great MSTie.

Jordan SC, jordansc@aol.com
THE X FROM OUTER SPACE (aka UCHU DAIKAIJU GIRARA and BIG SPACE MONSTER GILALA and GILALA and GIRARA) (1967) American-International Television
Before even beginning to describe this film, you must be aware that it is Japanese and dubbed. The plot, such as it is, involves a space mission bringing back a big spore of some sort, which turns into a typical rubber monster... But this typical rubber monster is much more amusing than usual. It's name is Guilala (the spelling is questionable, but it's pronounced GEE-LA-LA). It resembles a gigantic rubber chicken wearing one of those novelty antenna headband things. After wandering around destroying toy military vehicles for a while, the creature is defeated by an average sort of plot device. No better or worse than any other Japanese big monster movie, but Guilala certainly stands out as a lovable character. Definite MST3K material!
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
X - THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES (1963) American International Pictures
It stared the late Ray Milland and, I believe that it came out in the late '60's. The basic plot was about a scientist that invented eye drops that allowed the user (Milland) to begin to see through things. At first, clothing (that was fun). Then through the skin to the organ level. Of course, the more he used, the more he could see through. He finialy can't stand what he sees and, after stumbling into a tent church with a hell-fire preaching minister, he (Milland) tears out his eyes. The 'bots' could have fun with this one...if it can be found somewhere.
Chris Dellheim, dellheim@polarbear.simi-valley.ate.slb.com

This stinker stars Ray Milland, John Hoyt, and Don Rickles. A Scientist develops serum that allows him to see through objects. Much debating ensues. Finally he takes the serum and then goes to a cocktail party populated by hip (by 60's standards I suppose) young people dancing and having a good time. Uh oh, now the X-ray vision kicks in. Ha ha, didn't see that one coming 2 light years away. Too bad X's X-ray vision could not penatrate the underware of the hot 60's dancing chicks... oh well. This thing just goes on and on. X The Man With X-Ray Eyes continues to take more serum until the shocking ending which I'll keep to myself in case anyone actually tries to watch this turkey-burger. Two words here, Deep Hurting!

Dan Johnson, danj@pcez.com

The whole general premise can be made in these few sentences:

This film involves some interesting special effects for what the guy is seeing, but it also shows us a rat with X-ray vision as well...

You just haven't lived until you've seen Ray Milland do the twist in a room full of naked people.

Don Rickles plays a seriously evil bad guy.

There you go. That says it all. And now, an actual plot line:

Ray Milland plays a scientist that is trying to develope a formula that allows people to use their eyes to their fullest extant. When his assistant (I can't remember who plays him) shows him a rat (yes, a rat) that can see through a steel plate and pick out colors hidden behind it, Ray decides to try the stuff on himself.

After applying the stuff to his own eyes (in convenient eyedropper form), he goes a little crazy and "accidentally" pushes the assistant out a window to his death. Thus begins his wonderful and exciting trip through the world of the carnival freak. He applies for and gets a job with a show run by Don Rickles, who realizes that his new attraction is the guy that he has been reading about in the papers. After informing him of this, he decides that the two of them will get rich by having Ray tell people what's physically wrong with then without performing surgery. I don't want to give away the ending, but I suggest you watch it all the way through just for it.

Also, this film SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN INTERNALLY!!!

Derek Springer, dman@advnet.net
X THE UNKNOWN (1956) Warner Bros.
Radioactive mud leaves behind a residue of dirt, and eats radioactivity. There is a soldier named Haggis.

When people have "Hideous radiation burns" on their faces, I think: "They have clearer skin than my 14 year old brother..."

Dumb, dumb, and more dumb. Also on AMC. Bleah...

Dave Sagehorn, sage@pcii.net
XTRO (1983) Amalgamated Film Enterprises/New Line Cinema
This one had to do with an alien being that grew inside the womb of a young woman, I?am not so sure about the rest but it was fairly brain rotting type material. The one scene where the woman develops the fetus into a full grown man who then tears her insides as he births through her. Pretty disgusting.
JR Bogani, secamer@interlog.com

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com