MSTable movies: G

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GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER (original title UCHU KAIJU GAMERA) (1980)
This little-known, 1980 Gamera film, through the wonders of stock footage, pits Gamera against every monster he has ever faced in the past. As an excuse to re-use all the old footage, a loose plot (which is typical for Gamera movies, as everyone knows) involving battling aliens (who wave their arms around in a manner reminiscent of Ultraman) coming to earth and attempting to befriend a young boy who just happens to have bought Gamera in a pet store (or maybe that's just his imagination, it's all rather hard to comprehend at times). Anyway, the end result involves lots of familiar fight scenes, a few new scenes in which Gamera is possessed by the aliens and turned evil, and a touching climax in which Gamera blows himself up to save the world (though this is obviously not a permanent death, since a new Gamera film came out in 1995).
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
GANJASAURUS
my friend found this movie in a bin for $5.00. A giant dinosaur runs around eating people and of course it also thrives on Marijuana............ enoungh said
Matt Graham, mg7321@acs.brockport.edu
THE GATE (1987) Alliance Entertainment/New Century Entertainment Corporation/The Vista Organization
This festering carbuncle of a movie stars a young Stephen Dorff and a girl named Christa something-or-other, who, perhaps not coincidentally, I have not seen in any movies since then. The movie begins with a tree being chopped down in some kid's yard. This turns out to be a bad idea, since directly underneath the tree is a gate to hell. The blissfully ignorant parents leave for the night, some friends drop by, and things which are apparently supposed to be scary begin to happen. A phone explodes, the family dog's head turns up decapitated, and little Claymation demons chase the kids all over the house. One of the kids manages to fall down the hole into hell; another gets possessed by a demon and is stabbed to death with a Barbie doll by the older sister. Meanwhile, in the back of the house, the gate to hell is spewing out massive quantities of industrial-strength black smoke, which apparently goes unnoticed by every other person living within a fifty-mile radius.

Finally the whiny little kid is the only one left. For some reason, an eye appears on his hand, which he manages to get rid of by stabbing himself with a piece of glass. Eventually, Satan, who looks like Godzilla, breaks through the floor of the house (Or at least I assumed it was supposed to be Satan. I may be wrong. The scriptwriters of this movie apparently saved time by dispensing with such unnecessary plot elements as "reasons for things to happen."). All ends happily, however, when the whiny little kid kills him with a model rocket. In a puerile stab at sentimentality, the kid's siblings and the ex-decapitated dog all run out of the closet at the very end of the movie. This was one of the first horror movies I ever watched, and its utter awfulness haunted me for days to come. It's one of those very many mid-80's movies which was bad enough to hurt, yet not quite cheesy enough to attain piss-your-pants-laughing status.

Erica Drescher, ADresc9197@aol.com
THE GATES OF HELL (original title PAURA NELLA CITTA DEI MORTI VIVENTI) (1981) Motion Picture Marketing Inc.
It's dubbed from Italian, and was originally X-rated for gore, but could be cleaned up and still be horrible. It's been years, but as I recall, the plot went something like, priest commits suicide, this opens the gates of Hell, and from there it starts to get weird. I recall a scene where the dead priest grabs someone by the top of their head and just sort of pops the top of their skull off like a bottlecap - this was a joke with us for -weeks-. This side of Manos or Santa vs the Martians, it's the worst piece of cinematic garbage I've ever seen.
Lynn Schuman, shard@dimensional.com
GATTACA (1997) Columbia Pictures/Sony Pictures Entertainment
This movie was just too boring for the subject matter. We need to spice it up with actors with emotions. Keep Uma Thurman, but take her off Ritalin.
Matt131232@aol.com
THE GIANT CLAW (1957) Columbia Pictures
Did they already do this one? If not, it's a natural. Giant supersonic vulture threatens the world with the usual destruction...and an ending that always cracks me up with its melodrama.
gydweli@aol.com
THE GLACIER FOX (1979)
This one is pretty funny on its own. It's one of those fawning nature type videos all about a family of fox cubs, narrated by some ultra-smarm person who waxes euphoric as the little rats bound about doing their usual fox things. Lots of "artsy" superimpositions and double exposures, lots of anthropomorphism. Goes on forever and a day. Then, toward the end somebody figures out that they have to end the flick sometime, so a fox gorefest ensues. Wham, bam, swoosh, splat, fox after fox gets wiped out by various means as the smarmy narrator tries like hell to sound like he cares. I think one of the foxes goes blind, I'm not sure. I rented this one for my kids when they were really young and they hated it too. The gorefest almost made up for the interminable ennui of the rest of the film. By the time it was over, I was laughing hysterically.
aleq@spiritone.com
GLEN OR GLENDA (1953) Screen Classics Productions Inc.
When a movie is : Directed By Ed Wood. Written by Ed Wood. STARRING Ed Wood, you know it's going to be bad. And lord-almighty, that's just what this piece of ^$#@%& is. A laughable attempt by Ed Wood at teaching us all about transvestites. Not gay people, just men who like to dress up in womens clothing. The movie follows poor ol' Glen, a man who has just recently proposed to his girlfriend, as it becomes harder and harder for him each day for him to go without wearing something like lacy panties or an angora sweater... We also see other transvestites in their homes, and shots of guys walking down streets and stuff, with a voice over declaring that the guy pictured here probably wears women's underwear. The movie is very disturbing in the fact that it makes it seem like EVERY man on the street is a transvestite.

As the film goes on, it's obvious that Ed Wood was running out of ideas, because for about the last 30 minutes of the film, all we see are laughing people, chanting strange and diturbing things, and this little satan guy who keeps popping up a lot. A tree also falls on Glen's girlfriend about this time, but I don't know why.

The movie is also intermixed with shots of Bela Lugosi saying stuff like 'Bevare!! Bevare!!' from an old haunted house. Why he's in this wretched film, I don't know. Way, way worse than Plan Nine From Outer Space, which, although heralded as the "Worst Movie Ever Made", is definitely not. Compared to this one, it's practically Titanic.

Kryten, uwin@u.washington.edu
GODZILLA AND MOTHRA: THE BATTLE FOR EARTH (original title GOJIRA VS MOSURA) (1992)
Oh boy, another Godzilla movie! This 1992 entry in the series follows Godzilla vs. King Ghidora with more of the same and then some. After some silly Indiana Jones-like sequences, it is discovered that Mothra is the guardian of the Earth, and when the Earth gets pissed off it sends Black Mothra (or Battra) to kill things until it feels better. Meanwhile, a meteor wakes up Godzilla, and the military begins to worry. Of course, eventually Godzilla fights Mothra and Battra (in both caterpillar and adult forms), the annoying 6" twins sing a lot, and, as always, things blow up all over the place. This film on a whole feels a lot like the early Godzilla movies, and is both fun and MSTable for these reasons. Lots of opportunity for riffing considering the annoying kid, the below-average (for the 90s Godzilla, anyway) effects, and the fact that Mothra and Battra become friends for no apparent reason. Oh, and Godzilla gets carried off and dumped into the ocean by his enemy for the second time in a row (poor old chap).
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
GODZILLA'S REVENGE (aka ALL MONSTERS ATTACK and ATTACK ALL MONSTERS and GODZIllA'S LEVERAGE and GREAT CHARGE OF ALL MONSTERS) (1969) Toho
This is far and away the worst of the Godzilla films. It features the most annoying little kid this side of whatever-the-hell-the-kid's-name-was from the Gamera flicks. The movie follows him around as he fools around with a radio and imagines that he's on Monster Island hanging out with Godzilla's son Minya, who can shrink to his size and talk to him in a goofy Barney-esque voice. The movie seems to exist basically as an excuse to recycle combat footage from all the other Godzilla flicks. As with most Godzilla movies, there's also some kind of half-assed spy plot worked into the action. Featuring the haunting title theme, "March of the Monsters."
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu
GODZILLA VS. GIGAN (original title CHIKYU KOGEKI MEIREI: GOJIRA TAI GAIGAN (1972) Downtown Distributing Company, Inc.
The worst Godzilla flick.

The hero is an unemployed cartoonist (probably because when he was asked to draw monsters of what kids fear most, he made "the monster of over-protective mothers" and "The monster of too much homework") He submits drawings to a soon to open Monster based theme park. Home of the Godzilla tower ("the elevator goes right into his head!") The people at the theme park are aliens, and call space monsters to help them, Godzilla and a friend fight them.

Things to watch for:

Oh! THE PAIN!!!!!
Dave Sagehorn, sage@pcii.net
GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORA (original title GOJIRA VS KINGUGIDORA) (1991) Toho Company Ltd.
In 1985, Godzilla returned in an improved form. In 1989, he fought a giant rose bush in a fairly spectacular (if ludicrous) film. In 1991, he regressed back to the 60s. Sadly, this film marks the return of Godzilla to cheap, stupid films from expensive, stupid films. Happily, this makes him a lot easier to make fun of. In this particular film, time travelers from the future come to 1992, convince everyone that Godzilla will destroy Japan, then go back to WWII to avert his creation. From this point on, things get a bit confusing, but all the basic elements are present - bad dubbing, an illogical plot full of holes, ludicrous fight scenes, and lots of smashed buildings. Godzilla is at his cheapest-looking in a while, Ghidora looks the same as he did in the 60s (though he becomes a cyborg near the end), and we're treated to a Terminator-like android who has super powers through the magic of Benny Hill-style accelerated film. Best line - "Take that, you DINOSAUR!"
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
THE GOONIES (1985) Warner Bros.
This is not one of Spielberg's better movies. The idea: four pre-pubescent kids find a pirate's treasure map and set off to find the "Treasure of One-Eyed Willie." (Apart from everything else, who puts Freudian symbolism in a kid's movie?) Along the way, they run afoul of a gang of counterfeiters, join up with a trio of teen-agers, and explore a sequence of booby-trapped tunnels in Indiana-Jones style. Sound interesting? So does _Time Runner_, at first glance. The kids are horrendous adventurers: when they're not following a trail of ridiculous coincidences or screaming in terror at anything remotely frightening or dangerous, they're babbling about things in a way only annoying sixth graders can babble about things. Prime example: at one point, the "leader" of the kids relates the story of One-Eyed Willie and his incredible treasure. This is the kind of story that is usually told with great awe and melodrama. This kid rattles it off at warp factor five. Logical inconsistancies and ridiculous ideas abound. To name just a few: I heard that they had to cut 9 sequences from this movie because it was too long. They should have cut more. At 3 hours long, it's three hours too long.
Craxton, sbellotti@loyola.edu
GOTHIC (1986) Virgin Vision
Gothic is quite possibly the worst pseudo-horror movie I have ever seen. Ken Russell directed this piece of crap which features Julian Sands as a horny Lord Byron trying to boff Mary Shelley. Supposedly, this story recounts the weekend in which Mary Shelley was inspired to write her classic "Frankenstein" novel, but comes off looking like a rejected Monty Python sketch. I'm sure Lord Byron and Ms Shelley are rolling in their respective graves.
Rob Vicary, robvic@ebtech.net
THE GREEN SLIME (1968)
This little piece of dreck stars Robert "Wagon Train" Horton (My mom, watching it: "Is that Robert Horton!?), Richard Jaeckel, and unknown Italian actress Luciana Paluzzi.

Jaeckel plays the commander (though you'd never guess it from the way he acts) of a space station, which discovers a huge meteor on a collision course with Earth. After a boring debate about what to do about it, Robert Horton, playing a bossy egotistic former commander, is called in to destroy it. For some reason this involves actually *LANDING* on the meteor, where a member of Horton's team picks up a wayward piece of the titular Green Slime on his space suit. The slime eventually mutates into an alien that feeds on electricity. The alien, which looks like a cross between Sigmund the Sea Monster and Oscar the Grouch, must be seen to be believed. Shooting the alien does no good, because its blood spawns more creatures. (Well, I can see how- HUH?) Eventually, after many failed plans and horrible deaths, the space station is evacuated and destroyed. Somehow throughout all this, Hortan still manages to get the girl, even though she's engaged to Jeackel's spineless commander, who dies in a semi-heroic rescue.

Well, there you have it. Stupid monsters, models that look like inflatable bathtub toys, and no acting skills whatsoever. The *ONLY* good thing I can say about this film is that it had a cool theme song.

Becky "Gypsy Jr." Mroczkowski, lmroczko@linknet.kitsap.lib.wa.us

[Editor's note: The half-hour pilot of MST3K, never aired, used a portion of this movie.]

GRIM (1995)
This one defines the word "bad". A creature, for no reason apparent, starts to grab people and suck them underground. Some friends of one of the "sucked" go down to find her. Who, for no apparent reason is the only one that he left alive. The monster looks like he got rejected from Troll and the acting makes Tor Johnson look like Mel Gibson. Oh yeah, they forget all about her-just don't make friends like they use too.
Roger Laing, rlaing@atcon.com

I seen this so called film, a few months ago, and am still wondering what kind of wonder drug I was on. This movie did not focus on anything, even if the makers of it had made the plot about somthing other than idiots in caves it might have been good. No focus was done on Grim him self, just focused on people getting lost in caves. You'd have so much fun MiSTing this, you'd have an easier time with this than say The Terror.

Andrew Munroe, marc.munroe@ns.sympatico.ca
GRIZZLY MOUNTAIN (1995) Hemdale Home Video/Legacy Releasing Corporation
Um this IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER. Dan Haggery (smirk) helps these kids who get lost in a cave, which sends them back in time, where they must help him stop bad guys from blowing up a forest. And Game Boys don't have stereo sound like this movie shows.
Daniel Ray, nimr0d@webtv.net
THE GUYVER (1991)
Another flop, but a much better plot [than Slipstream]. Great if you're into American/Japanese films with mutant monsters and sci fi effects. Please! Somebody send Mr. Hamill a decent role!
Thomas Gallagher, tgallag@ix.netcom.com

[Editor's note: Actual directing credit in the IMDb: "Screaming Mad George".]

GYMKATA (1985)
Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Thomas competes in a deathsport against various martial arts adversaries, including the inevitable ninja army. Classic moments, Thomas swing on a bar where the white chalk is CLEARLY seen. The 10 minute slow motion chase through the village of the crazies is also a must see to believe. The chase eventually ends in the town square where there just happens to be a pammel horse for some gymnastic trickery.

This is just bad movie making. And to think I was there on opening day!! Uggg!!

Thespus9@aol.com

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com