MSTable movies: S

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THE SABBATH (original title LA VISIONE DEL SABBA) (1988) Cinemax/Gruppo Bema/Rete Italia/TF1 Films Productions
I watched this alleged art house movie at a friends house one evening. He got the tape from some bootleg company(it was never released in the States) mainly because he liked the actress who was the leading lady (Beatrice Dalle, anyone familiar with Betty Blue). It's about some crazy woman who clames to be a 300 year old witch. No one belives her so she gets locked up in the looney bin. And oh yes, she falls in love with her shrink. Theres lots of bad acting in this film and the English Dubbing is hilarious.
Unknown, dummy.davis@mhs.unc.edu
SAFETY PATROL (1998) (TV)
This movie was one of those gawdawful Disney TV movies. Another strike against it is it stars Bug Hall, one of the most annoying actors of the century. The basic plot is about the corrupt safety patrol at this one school. The safety patrol director, a middle-aged woman with huge hair and a large makeup bill has them steal from the vending machines and such so that she can get rich (Rich off of a vending machine? Suuurre...). Her assistant, her son, has a definite Crying Game/Psycho thing going on (he has no job, and calls her 'Mommy'). Anyway, Bug's character, an annoying clod named Scout, (who's the exact opposite of safety), who is somehow on safety patrol, lives with his grandpa, who he almost routinely (accidently) beats up. I can just hear the robots: "Hey, Assault on A Senior Citizen gets ya ten to twenty pal!". Anyhow, Scout ends up being the lady's scapegoat. She needs one when the principal discovers a safety patrol badge in front of one of the robbed machines, which arouses her suspicions (Gee, has she ever thought that *maybe* one of the safety patrol might have been using the machine, and dropped the badge?). Anyway, the patrol swipes the principal's key, and put it in Scout's pocket. They then have him walk by the principal's office, where the door is ajar and a fire is inside (the patrol unlocked the door and set the fire, obviously). Scout smashes the fire extinguisher glass, and extinguishes the fire. Everybody comes out (the alarm and all), and the principal asks what happens. Scout explains that he saw a fire in the principal's office (actually just the trash can, but Scout is pretty dumb). The principal (rather intelligently *rolls eyes*) says that her door was locked. She asks Scout what he was doing in the hall (getting one of the safety patrol's gloves) and when he gets them, he clumsily drops the keys too (how someone can be so clutzy as to pick up and drop something that small with a pair of gloves [which were haphazardly stuffed in there, and he should have felt in the first place] is beyond me) They stage a rather stupid military discharge (It's a safety patrol, for God's sake!), and Scout is rightfully kicked out. Later, at a fundraiser concert (more on that below), Scout and his friends (including a girl in skintight leopard pants. Sheesh.) give Al a video to play that somehow has evidence of Scout's evidence (note that there aren't any cameras in the school, except for this old fart with a camcorder who *never* has film). He does, and the safety patrol director and her son have to bolt. They grab all the money (conveniently in two small bags) and climb aboard the balloon that belongs to the 'guest celebrity' and fly off with the leopard-skin girl as a hostage ("Hey, maybe that girl'll get lucky and they'll drop her so she doesn't have to watch this anymore."). Scout pulls off an extremely dangerous and stupid stunt by grabbing onto a rope hanging off the balloon. The leopard girl ends up doing all the work by throwing the money over while Scout just hangs there. The retarded son ends up diving after one money bag, and grabs a rope. Scout tries to help him, telling him to drop the money or he'll fall (it's a 100 ft. drop). The guy says no, "because my mother will kill me", and he falls, landing in a convenient 3 ft. deep pond. (he should have splattered like a bug anyway). I tuned out for the rest, but when I looked back (inexorably, like a car wreck), the 'villian' (*snicker!*) was dangling over an odd 300 ft. 'construction vent'. (it was actually a convenient danger that bad writers throw in). Scout gets a rope and saves her. She accidently kicks a lantern on the way out, which sends a spark out to a leaking gas line. As soon as she gets out of range, it explodes, and she cries about 'I could have died! I could have died!' ("Good! If you did, this stinker would be over!") She and her son get arrested, and Scout gets reinstated with a pointless cameo by Leslie Nielson (the 'security director' of the board of education. Whatever...).

My opinions? Well, since the story was crap (the villian isn't much of a villian. She's just a freak), they had to rely on star power (the aforementioned Nielson cameo, and Weird Al Yankovic doing the concert). I thought Leslie Nielson couldn't afford to be in another awful movie after Mr. Magoo, but he did anyway.

Greg Schow, schowg@magicnet.net
SAMPSON AND SALLY: SONG OF THE WHALES
This is a horrible little piece of animated tripe about two little whales looking for Moby Dick. It features a Bambi rip-off, a sequence where two walruses get radiation poisining, and a song and dance number where the only words are "Yah da da da" repeated over and over. Truly a BAD classic.
Zorak89574@aol.com
SCARED TO DEATH (1947) Screen Guild Productions Inc.
The fact that this is Bela Lugosi's only color film doesn't nearly cover up how painful this movie is. I'm sorry if I don't give much info, but the plot was just plain indecipherable. Okay, basically, a corpse is wheeled into the morgue, and starts to recall how she died (Reality check: When people are dead, they stop thinking). Apparently, she was in a hotel run by a mad scientist (Whaaa...?). Seemingly the only other patron was a reporter who looked exactly like Shemp from the three stooges. Then a vampire-type guy (Guess who!) and a weird little midget (No, he isn't played by Billy Barty or Kenny Baker. Sad, really.) check in. Then another reporter and his Boop-esque girl check in. The now dead girl gets a mannequin's head thrown at her (or maybe it's supposed to be a real head. The movie is pretty zarking vague.). "Shemp" provides comic relief. Everyone is watched by a white mask with a green light shining on it. The midget spies. The Professer moos at the moon. Then a disembodied voice tells the girl how she was in a dance act involving the mask, and she dies. Whoopee.
Mark Goff, PYRB87A@prodigy.com
SCREAM 2 (1997) Dimension Films/Miramax
It had to be the worst movie ever made. Scream wasn't the best, and the sequel wasn't as good as the orig. It seems like everytime there is dialouge, the actors/actresses are talking about what would happen if they were in a movie, but they aren't, but if they were.... you get the picture.
Bert Lechner, bert@navix.net
SCREAMERS (1995) Triumph Films/Allegro Films
Argh, this one hit me like a sledge between the eyes, I just wish it had had the same affect before I saw it. I've purged my system of most of it but things are still there; filmed in Montreal (home town) and inside the Big-O our infamous Olympic Stadium. Had one cool CGI effect which looked like it came out of an average SNES game cutscene. Really loud noises when the two Screamer babes did their cat fight. The screamers in the sand looked like teather balls being draged under sand. And the Screamer kids with the killer teddy bears were almost as funny as the shoulder mounted nuke the anti-hero blew them up with. And ofcourse the cheezey sequel foreshadowing. I just wish the projectionist had screwed up and played Too Wong Foo.
Ebonsoul, campruss@montrealnet.ca
SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (1978)
This movie is, in short, the low ebb of Western Civilization. It is a strange attempt to weave about thirty unrelated Beatles songs into some sort of story. The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton play the title roles. The supporting cast includes Aerosmith, George Burns, Alice Cooper, and Frankie Howerd. It is appropriate for MST3K since it has a few sci-fi elements, including disco-singing robots and a funky computerized bus. The whole mess actually seems more inspired by Dr. Pepper than "Sgt. Pepper." I'm a pepper, you're a pepper, he's a pepper, she's a pepper... wouldn't you like to kill a pepper, too?
Joe Blevins, joeblev@concentric.net

I actually saw it in the theater when it came out, at the ripe age of seven. Now you have to understand that I was a complete wuss as a kid. A TOTAL wuss. So it should come as no surprise that I found the movie, especially the Alice Cooper and Aerosmith bits, rather terrifying. And even worse...I cried...no, I absolutely BAWLED in a full theater of moviegoers when Strawberry Fields died near the end. Painful memories of its' tacky airhead splendor and of how it manipulated my tender emotions makes me want to give this movie a long, painful wedgie.

Mike Daddino, mragar@ibm.net
THE SEA SERPENT (1985)
Dad picked up this one from Blockbuster years ago. Twice. Ugh. This is somehow about a nuclear explosion or something causing a large rubbery dark green Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent puppet with Kermit the Frog eyes to rise up from the depths of its aquarium and wreak havoc on sailors and drunk beachcombers. People wind up in the monster's mouth, and even though it seems like they'd have plenty of time to jump out before his mouth closes, the saps stay in there and scream. The single survivor of a boat wrecked by the beast meets up with some chick who watched her friend get eaten by the sea serpent, and they join forces with some old guy and somehow send the monster packing. There's also a scene where yet another survivor of a sea serpent attack lies comatose in a hospital bed, and winds up getting smothered with a pillow a a thug we never see again because, according to the apparent human villains in this movie, "No one must know about this."

The sea serpent looks as bad as it sounds. Aquarium decorations that blow bubbles probably look more convincing.

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com
SEATBELTS FOR SUSIE
BLEAH!!! Watching this instructional film could just make you think MST3K. Although it's good on safety, it's explained rather dorky. Especially when they use toy dolls for the crash dummies, or should I say "Cabbage Patch Crash Kids!" Rather stupid driving intructional film.
Russell Christiansen, russ@megsinet.net
THE SEVEN MAGNIFICENT GLADIATORS (1983)
You can tell from the opening credits which feature a rotoscoped man fighting (in various bright colors) that this is going to be one of *those* movies. The man fighting happens to be Lou Ferrigno, the Hercules of the 80s and TV's Incredible Hulk. Lou, who somehow always looks like he's made of synthetic materials, plays a brave (well, it's hard to tell) barbarian who pulls together a small band of ex-gladiators (well, it's hard to tell where they come from and exactly who they are, but they seem to be ex-gladiators) to save a village from the evil son of a blind woman. One character in the film asks "does this barbarian have a brain?" If any members of the audience ask this question, they're not paying attention. The answer is a definite no.

The movie itself is typical Italian Hercules-style junk, on a whole below average for the genre. Pretty dull, but with some good bits (such as the obnoxious kids who appear to be in their late 30s) and the climax is certainly funny (can you say "Heimlich maneuvre of death?"). Watch it if you have a fast forward feature (or some 'bots) available.

Personally, after watching many movies like this one, I can identify with the character in the film who states "my whole life is one test after another."

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET (1997) Sony Pictures Entertainment/TriStar Pictures
more like seven years of not getting laid. Hey, you know what? there's nothing to do in Tibet and this movie proves it.
Vlady Pildysh, vpildysh@ucla.edu

Rebuttal

SHAKES THE CLOWN (1991) I.R.S. Media
This is one of the first pictures I walked out on. "The Citizen Kane of Alcoholic Clown Movies"-- the description says it all. I left after Shakes (Bob Goldthwait) beats up his wife a few times and falls down in a puddle of barf.

Did anyone watch this one to the end?

Nancy Beiman, peachdog@mindspring.com

Rebuttal

[Editor's note: I swear I am not making up that production company. Check the IMDb if you don't believe me.]

SHAKMA (1990)
Five medical students and their professor treat a baboon (Shakma) with hormones that will either calm him down or make him superagressive. He, of course, becomes superagressive, so they put him down... or so they think! Later that night, as the humans are engaged in a weird live-action form of D&D, the baboon awakens and goes on a killing spree. (One would think that medical students would be bright enough to stay on a separate floor and call for help or something.)

The acting and writing are cheesy enough to defeat the USS Voyager. :) The D&D game is complete with really dumb computer graphics, radio tracking, and the famous sound effects from Atari's Pacman (which for some reason are always used in bad movies and TV shows to demonstrate technology.) The movie was filmed in Orlando FL in 1990, and stars Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon), Amanda Wyss (How I Got Into College), Ari Meyers (Kate and Allie), and Roddy McDowall (Needs No Introduction).

Ellya the half a bee, elle@unix.tpe.com

This film raised bad movie-making to an art form (Isn't that redundant?). My Father and I sat through this movie because it was really REALLY late. Anyway, we spat bad jokes at the screen continuously, so the guys on the Satellite of Love shouldn't have much trouble. My personal favorite was "Oh great...now the monkey's got the strobe!"(If you see this movie, remember this line.)

John Crowe, jcrowcms@ix.netcom.com
SHATTER DEAD (1994) Tempe Video
oh my...if you all havent caught Shatter Dead run. quickly. in the other direction.

this release to video only movie is definitely in the top ten worst movies of all time. which is a pretty strong statement from me considering i'm one of the extras. the video cover has the title Shatter Dead as well as the line...god hates you...he must if he let this bomb anywhere near a thinking public. or a breathing public for that matter.

the whole concept of the flick is there is no more room in heaven for souls...so when you die, your body is dead but your mind isn't...so you get to walk around rotting. nice twist for a zombie flick but thats it. there is no other redeemable factor to this one.

it starts off with a totally gratuitous sex scene between a female angel and some chick..which really has little to do with the movie cept the chick appears later on to give birth to the female (?) angel's plastic offspring in a shower.

the heroine (heroin?) of Shatter Dead i swore was on major drugs....affect? whats that? her entire facial reptoire consisted of this slightly lost, confused, distasteful look. here she is trying to get home to her lover, beset on all sides by these pathetic, rude, rotting zombies and she spends the whole movie looking like shes swallowed a bug.

oh and DONT talk to me about continuity. if you watch carefully in the beginning, youll see our "heroine" pass by a female zombie with half her face ripped off. yes, thats me. close up and all. if you actually stay awake and sane enough to reach the end of this painful 84 minutes, youll see me again. full face this time and wearing sunglasses...and yet another close up. erm...if we are rotting...how did i manage that?

and lastly but not leastly you must read the cover box. besides a long winded, overblown review by art weingardner from alternative cinema magazine, you might get a giggle out of the names of the peeps involved...which include director scooter mccrae, star stark raven and music by geek messiah.

while this is probably not fare for MST3K, due to the violence and occasional gratuitous sex scenes, it is definitely fare for masochists and others who enjoy being tortured for extended periods of time.

LaLuna, laluna@yellowchicken.com
SHE (1985)
Post-apocalyptic romp starring Sandahl Bergman in the title role. Two friends, Tom and Dick, go on a quest to rescue Tom's kidnapped sister from the evil Norks. First they get captured by the Amazonian followers of She, a living god who cannot love (sob), they escape and in the process kidnap She, they then proceed through several adventures eventually rescuing the sister, and in the process of this She falls in love with Tom. Alas She has her duties as a deity and must part with Tom.

Scenes and Characters to watch for:

  1. Scene in which She battles ninjas, a black knight, Frankenstein (!), and more to prove her right to rule.
  2. Scene in which Dick congratulates Tom for punching out his mistress.
  3. She's sidekick, Shandra (?), feared warrior and Valley Girl.
  4. The "mutants," a bunch of sarcastic wise-cracking guys wrapped in gauze who try to crush She and her companions in a seen reminiscent of Star Wars, but meet their match in the form of Shandra and a Chain Saw.
  5. Godan, the Marxist monk god.
  6. Xenon, Steve Martin and Popeye's love child. Whenever he loses a limb he forms another Xenon from it. Only way to kill him is to throw him onto a landmine.
  7. The Norks: cross between Village People and villlains from Mad Max. By the way, their Nazis.
  8. Worst gladiator battle of all time.
  9. Nork Leader (Who's that guy with the big head?)
  10. Nork second in command (looks like Admiral Nelson with makeup)
  11. The climactic final battle to save She's city. Fought right outside the city of the Norks.
  12. Dick, someone even more annoying than the sidekick from Outlaw.
Basically this movie takes all the bad elements of Mad Max, Red Sonya, and Spartacus, and makes them worse. BTW this movie is a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake so make sure you get the right one.
Ben Johnson, vrcngetrix@earthlink.net

[According to the IMDb, there are 8, count 'em, *8* cinematic versions of this, of which the 1985 one is the last. Plus a TV movie.]

THE SHOULIN MASTERS (original title SIU LAM NG JO) (1975) Shaw Brothers
Another terrible Chinese Ninja movie. I only watched the first 5 minutes or so; that's all I could stand. It was about a Villian who did not need a name, who kills a young girl's father. The girl screams in horror and you realize that she is a young boy. Yuck!!! The Villian takes the little boy with him and tells him, "I'm your enemey. And at any time, you can try to kill me." Then he looks away in disgust, like even he can't believe what he just said. You really gotta see this movie to believe it.
dbf6626@rit.edu
SHOWGIRLS (1995) Carolco Picturs/Chargeurs/United Artists/Vegas Productions
It's so cheesey it should be labeled Velveeta. Not to mention when Elizabeth Berkley slams down her basket of fries in a fit and they fly up and land in her hair. It's classic! Every actor in this definition of a bad movie shows the acting range equivalent of a Daisy Air Rifle. Yes welcome to the world of soft core cheese.
Michael Roberts, kiok@oneworld.owt.com
SIDEKICKS (1992) Gallery Films
Poor Jonathan Brandis was forced to play an asthmatic wimp who hallucinated about Chuck Norris. Sad, really. I love Jonathan dearly, but this movie made me want to curl up and die. The whole thing would make a field day for Mike and the 'bots.
Diena Taylor, jupiter2@pop.ma.ultranet.com
SILENT FALL (1994) Morgan Creek Productions
An autistic kid witnesses the murder of his parents. A psychiatrist (Richard Dreyfuss) attempts to uncover the secret. Absolutely ludicrous, especially when the kid displays his gift of mimmicking peoples voices m (a la Rich Little) That along with the ice float scene at the end of the movie make it perfect for MST.
Jeremy Fairall, fairall@server.uwindsor.ca
THE SKATEBOARD KID II (1995) Concorde-New Horizons
This has got to be the most moronic movie I have ever seen. It would appear that all jokes and actors from this movie were also in ABC comedy shows (the kid's sister and her boyfriend were minor roles in Full House, and I seem to have heard all of the jokes on reruns of Full House and Family Matters that I watched after school because ther was nothing else on {I watch a lot less tv now}) This stupid little boy and this little girl run into a bunch of skateboarding kids. The little boy orders a skateboard from some insane old guy. His skateboard turns out to be magic, the old man that the kid got the skateboard from dies, and the skateboard is possesed by his spirit. The skateboard somehow helps this kid become a supposedly good skateboarder. The board goes to sleep at some point in the movie and starts muttering stupid little jokes like "never enter a battle of wit's with an unarmed apponent" (I know Urkel said it about 5 million times). The kid wins some stupid skateboarding contest, earning the respect of all the other bad actors in the (and I use the term loosely) movie. Notice that the stunt kid actually doing the skateboarding is actually about twice the size of the little kid. Deep Hurting.
Luke Winikates, LukeWinikates@msn.com
SKULLDUGGERY
It's Mazes and Monsters with lower production values and worse acting, on top of which the entire movie is filled with bizarre visuals that are about as relevant and coherent as the voice-overs in The Beast Of Yucca Flats. Skullduggery tries desperately to be a deeply disturbing, highly metaphorical film and fails utterly. Watch for the Aquarian Tarot in the 11th-century flashback sequences!
Tim Soholt, xoanon.unm.edu
(Taken from rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc)

Oh good lord..this is the worst goddamn movie I have ever seen... It is not the skullduggery you're thinking of..This movie is some deranged student film...The plot being that this guy is cursed by the devil (as all his past relatives), and then goes nutty and on some sort of killing spree..This is the epitome of the bad "gamer goes crazy" movie...Yes they play a board version of D&D in this game.. UUUUuuuugggghhh...This movie is AWFUL, it was made in about 1983, and there is this great part where mr. pyscho dresses in a bunny suit to kill someone. I am not kidding. The best line come from him where...while he is sitting with a giant kleenex covering him up to his neck (and some girl is pressing his pants) he says slowly and monotone "Can I have my pants back, now." The most loveable character in the film is a recurring puppet..whom we have title "Dorko the puppet"...Dorko has to go through a lot in this film... he get shot, drowned, hung, and is also shot with an imaginary arrow..Poor guy... [...] Well anyway if you ever get to see this movie I'm sorry...I cried at the end (litterally..hey, it was 3 in the morning) because I couldn't figure out the ending..
Robin Connell, ae333@freenet.Buffalo.EDU
SLAM DUNK EARNEST (1995) Buena Vista Pictures
Jim Varney and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar star in this un-comedy. Earnest P. Warrel is a janitor at a mall who wants to play basketball with his best friend, a black janitor, on his minor-league team. His friend lets him play when one of his teammates gets injured and Earnest costs him the game. Later Kareem (as some sort of a basketball angel) visits Earnest in the locker room and gives him some magical sneakers that make him good. He leads his team to a charity exibition game against the Charlotte Hornets (played by a bunch of nobodies) and makes his teammates jealous and tries to teach us some lessons (stay in school, be yourself, etc.). I get the feeling that they wasted their budget on getting Kareem and were left with a hundred dollers to make the rest. If ever a comedy, sports movie or Earnest movie deserved to be MST3ked its this piece of crap.
Charles Thompson, chucko@halifax.com
SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY (1987) Titan Productions
Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity was about scantily clad girls escaping from a prison planet. I think. It's been a long time.
Remington, ez064842@catbert.ucdavis.edu

The last review did not do this epic, stunning and thoroughly ridiculous bit of movie history justice. If you're watching for scantily clad maidens, don't, there just aren't many. If you're watching for stupidity, be prepared for the ride of your life. Highlights: A slave girl "reversing the polarity" of her cell door with an iron rod; after getting laid a guy with a contemplative look saying "man, woman, what a concept", two amazingly effeminate arguing robots, and, my personal favorite, the lead character saying upon entering the evil layer of the bad guy: "I have a strange feeling that the laws of time and space no longer apply." A strange feeling indeed. I think I had the exact same feeling while watching this movie. If you enjoy this, you'll also enjoy Rollerblade(the worst movie ever made, in my opinion) and Yor: The Hunter from the Future (the best bad movie ever made!).

Crary Myers, lmyers@panther.middlebury.edu
SLIPSTREAM (1989) Entertainment Film
The director (Steven M. Lisberger) needs to be stooge-slapped for this one. I rented this made for video nightmare with the hopes of viewing Mark Hamill in a decent part...instead I ended up fighting my gag reflex AND the urge of putting my head in my oven.

The "slipstream" is a vicious wind that encircles planet in a futuristic, post-nuclear earth. Tough guy Bill Paxton (I was hoping that the computer genie from Weird Science would pop in and turn him back into that human turd) confronts the evil bounty hunter Mark Hamill (the hair and makeup people ended up making him look like Keifer Sutherland on crack) and his partner Kitty Aldridge (boy, her skull sure absorbed all that hair dye) over his search for the android Bob Peck.(you know, the aussie caretaker in the cute little hat from Jurassic Park) They chase each other in dinky little airplanes throughout most of the film, and along the way run into such legendary actors as F.Murray Abraham and Ben Kingsley, and even they can't dig the plot out of its freefall.

Best Scene: The evil bounty hunter and the android are fighting inside Hamill's plane while in mid-air. During the fight, the steering column of the plane is ripped out. Hastily, Hamill decides to make nice with Peck, and, reaching out a black gloved hand says, "I have touched the face of God!" The android then yanks the wires out of the steering column in an attempt to land the plane, with the bounty hunter behind him sounding like a cheerleader/labor coach..."Come on! You can do it! There ya go!" Next shot: plane crashing into the side of a mountain.

Thomas Gallagher, tgallag@ix.netcom.com
SOLARBABIES (aka SOLAR WARRIORS) (1986) Brooksfilms
Pretty standard sci-fi stuff: Distant future, desert Earth, evil corporation/government controls the water supply, blah, blah, blah. The twist: Teenagers who play a completely wigged-out roller hockey type game find this glowing sphere (Named "Bodi") that somehow enables them, through incredible plot contrivances (Hey! We just stumbled across a guerilla organization that has the plans to the base!), to defeat the Bad Guys and Save The World(tm)while still in their roller skates.

One of those movies Showtime plays at 10:00 AM on weekdays.

Edward Hardin, torgopizza@aol.com
SOLAR CRISIS (1990)
Another film from director Alan Smithee. That alone is grounds for MSTing, but I'll go ahead and explain in greater detail.

Sometime in one of those desolate, post-apocalyptic-type futures we always hear about -- it's so bad people wear aluminum lampshades on their heads -- Earth is threatened by a giant solar flare. A team of Earth's finest (led by born commander Tim Matheson) is assembled to fire a bomb into the son and send the flare away from the planet. Of course, there's a saboteur, programmed by the minions of some evil, omnipresent corporation (led by Peter Boyle, who apparently is so powerful that he doesn't have to do a thing but sit there) that's opposed to the mission (apparently, there's great profit in the total incineration of all human life and civilization).

Meanwhile, in an entirely unrelated subplot, Matheson's father (Charlton Heston, who seems to be there only so he can say "I'm trying to find your son, dammit!") searches for his grandson (Corin "Parker Lewis" Nemec), who's gone AWOL from some military school and is now roaming the desert with Jack Palance (who seems to do even less than Peter Boyle, if that's possible).

Of course, everything comes together in a crashing mess, with a Maurice Jarre score that veers between bad Vangelis and a pale imitation of "Carmina Burana."

(I haven't even mentioned that Paul Williams provides the voice for Freddy. Did I mention that Freddy's the neurotic bomb?)

This film screams in agony for the MST treatment. And so will anybody who watches it. Trust me.

Lee Hurtado, l.hurtado@mail.utexas.edu
SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA (aka THE IMP) (1988)
I don't know anything about who's in it, or when it was made, but boy is this one terrible. We went on a "bad movie night" to the video store a few years back, and this was one of the ones we came back with. Definately horrible. It's about this demon that lives in a bowling trophy, and these teenagers who set it free, and...and...I can't think about it anymore...it was SO awful! ;)
Jennifer R. Bedford, jennifer@ecst.csuchico.edu
THE SPACE CHILDREN (1958)
It's sort of a Village of the Damned wanna-be, with the classic "evil kids" zombie-like acting style and accents (not Canadian or Australian.. maybe Israeli?) none of us could figure out.
Mike Cohen, isis@netcom.com

[Editor's note: Now scheduled to be episode 906!]

SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
[...] and it isn't much better, despite having Molly Ringwald (!) in the cast, as well as Michael Ironside's presence as the "Overdog" who has captured several beautiful women and spends most of the movie leering at them (but not doing much else, damn you PG rating!). That one also has the strange distinction of, not wanting to use the old "Earthling" term, calling us humans "Earthers". Future sequels will refer to us as "Earthons", "Earthoids", and "Earthites."
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu

Another '80s post nuke flick that squanders a talented cast in what amounts to a bigger-bugeted "Warrior Of The Lost World", which came out that same year.

[...] Ironside usually makes a great B-movie villan, but he's practically lost under so much make up (and a little red light bulb in his eye - can't ya just see Crow now) that he looks silly, not scary.

Dan, danc@nb.net
SPACE JAM (1996) Warner Bros.
I saw the previews. I saw the merchandise. I saw the hyperbole. And I loved it. I thought the movie was good. Then I saw the movie.

And I almost ran out, mouth full of vomit.

Not only does it feature the most horrifying re-hashed beggining (If you try hard, Son, you can be anything....) or Michael Jordan blowing the most used lisence in the world (Warner Brothers' Looney Tunes) or the most grisly re-hashed jokes (Porky Pig stuttering, Bugs acting like the asshole that he is, and Daffy Duck telling throwing modesty out with manners) or the incredibly bad plot (Guy getting sucked into toon world, solving his problem, then leaving and never bringing up the subject again) or the "explanation" of what happened by using a stupid movie, or bringing in the best celebrities and not using them at all (Bill Murray and that other guy) or putting in a female character to even up the "Politically Correct" tallies, or modifying cartoon characters to modern styles (Granny:Oh! It's Air Jordan!) I swear, this movie was worse than Starship Troopers, Plan 9, and Glen or Glenda combined! The only thing good about this movie is that a bunch of people got 20 million dollars from the merchandising. Call Yogurt if you don't believe me!

Cedric Henry, henrykid@paulbunyan.net
SPAWN (1997) HBO Home Video
This complete crapfest didn't do the comic book justice. What was going on in this movie? The only person that anyone has heard of in it was John Leguizamo, who was unrecognizable as some creepy clown. After some okay special effects they end with a "climax" involving a 30 second hell scene that looks like it was made out of carboard cut-outs. I can't believe I actually spent money on this piece of crap.
Matt131232@aol.com
SPIRIT OF '76
Imagine Red Kross doing Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure set against a campy 70's ... no, you don't have to imagine; just see it. And tear it to shreds. Am I the only one who thinks there's nothing redeeming about this flick?
Gillian "Gus" Andrews, gandrews@hampshire.edu
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION (1989) Project Samson
...starring Brad Dourif in his pre-Chuckie salad days. A movie is damn bad when the funniest scene in it is Brad's arm spontaneously....well, combusting. I forget who else was in it, but there was a girl trying to help him solve the riddle of "SHC," as it was shortened to, before he went completely up in flames. Whoever made this stinker really tried to make a geniune horror movie, but fell short in the same way that the sainted Ed Wood fell short.
Patsyann Jones, pjones@halcyon.com
SPHERE (1998) Roadshow Film Distributors/Warner Bros.
The book is probably one of Michael Crichton's best, but haven't we learned by now that we can't make a movie out of his books. Jurassic Park wasn't great, and Congo was crap. Sphere follows the pattern by being boring, confusing, and stupid. I respect these actors, but please, read your scripts before agreeing to do this movie. However, everything in this movie can easily be remedied by not taking it seriously. That's why I'm here.
Matt131232@aol.com
STAR COMMAND (1996) (TV) High Command Productions
This was shown during "Star Trek: Voyager's" low second season with the bad eps "Non Sequitur" and "Threshold" and the tiring Kazon. However, this was MUCH WORSE! UPN showed it on March 11th, 1996.

It's a bad Sci-Fi flick. One MAJOR throwback in the movie are the women's uniforms, with pleated cheerleader skirts! I could see Mike and the 'bots spitting out cheerleading calls and fight songs when they saw them in those wussy uniforms! Most Sci-Fi shows learned common sense by now, but cetainly not the writes of this bad flick. In the latest "Star Trek" series and Babylon 5 (By the way, JMS's second favorite show is MST3K if you don't know) have the women wear pants! There is some belief that this flick is actually a German flick.

Russell Christiansen, russell@cyberoak.com

I'd managed to forget about it until I got that review, but I too sat through this same awful two hours. It's stocked with all the standard features: good guys wear white, bad guys wear black and red (if you think the cheerleader uniforms are bad, what about evil soldiers who look like they forgot their pants and are stomping around in their red flannel drawers?), and of course our young, beautiful heroes and heroines are invulnerable once the experienced officers have been killed off. But wait, there's more! Exploding consoles! Morgan Fairchild's leg! Instant promotions! Space origami! Plot twists that keep you guessing for seconds! The most frustrating thing is that the story does have some original ideas, giving itself several opportunities for redemption, and somehow it misses them all.

From the editor
STAR CRASH
It has all the makings of an Experiment: Bad acting! Bad SFX! A robot with a southern draw! Even dudes who can stop time!
Steven Today, sftoday@svm.com

This is one of my all-time favorite bad movies. How bad? The models for the special effects shots were actually built by Italian school children. That bad.

And the cast!!! David (Baywatch) Hasselhoff, Caroline (B starlet) Munro, Marjoe (ex-child evangelist) Gortner, and Christopher (I really should be in a better movie) Plummer!!!

Rich Johnson, rsjohnso@naz.edu
STAR CRYSTAL (1986) New World Pictures
On Mars (which has a blue, cloudy sky), a mysterious ball of copper foil is discovered. Inside the foil ball is a small slimy creature and a crystal. Somehow, the shuttle which retrieves the crystal is returned to its space station with a dead crew. Shortly thereafter, the whole space station explodes, and five survivors fly away in the shuttle, unaware of its slimy passenger. It should be pointed out right now that this shuttle is powered by a "neutron drive" to quote the on screen display. It also features a ship's computer with 5.25" floppy drives and corridors so short you have to crawl through them. Well, it doesn't take long before the small slimy creature becomes a large slimy creature and starts killing off crew members, who have little chance of escaping it in the aforementioned tight corridors. What sets this film apart from other Alien ripoffs is the fact that, in a truly amazing cinematic twist, the alien is friendly and only slaughtered more than half the crew (3 out of 5, to be exact) because it was scared. It promptly apologizes, befriends the two survivors, and helps them get to safety. At this point, the screen fades to black as we hear a terrible, terrible song about understanding one another. This amazing twist tends to leave the viewer very deeply confused and disturbed. This movie cries out for a Mystery Science Theater treatment, and it's perfectly suited to get one if a few cheap gore effects are cut out. If you thought The Pod People was bad, you must see this film!
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
A STAR IS BORN (1976) First Artists
A lovingly crafted monument to Barbara Streisand's towering ego. It's the kind of examination of every rock star cliche that only a "pop" singer can come up with. In other words, utterly clueless. I can only compare the first scene of Streisand bopping around and getting funky to various encounters I've had with sociopaths on the New York City subway -- absolutely compelling in a horrifying way. The music is not only by Babs, which is one thing, but Kris Kristofferson (as a singer, he has no pitch, no range, nothing), Paul Williams and, my god, Rupert Holmes, the Pina Colada guy. AND BABS WEARS THE SAME DAMMNED GOOFY WIG IN EVERY SINGLE SCENE !!!!!
Mike Daddino, mragar@ibm.net
STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997) Sony Pictures Entertainment
This movie demonstrates exactly what can be done when the director has no idea what the original story is about (about 200 pages {I know, old joke}), and no concept of the science behind science fiction. The excruciatingly funny / agonizing thing about it is that you can actually recognize some parts of the book in the stuff that makes it to the screen. It's almost as though somebody boiled the book down for him into a bunch of quickie descriptions, then he went rummaging through them, mixing, matching, and pasting bits of descriptions together to produce his ideas for the movie.

You can point to things like the Star Trek theory of bridge design (Who in their right mind will have a combat ship's crew *not* strapped into their seats during combat? Even commercial jets require the pilots to be strapped in.), the fact that most of the personal armour worn by the soldiers might as well be thrown out the window (after all, the stuff won't even slow down the bites & stabs, but will slow down the person wearing it), the ludicrous ignorance of science and the true distance between stars (you do *not* launch asteroids from star to star, and expect to hit *anything*, nor do you expect it to arrive in anything less than a geologic epoch (especially when your launch is powered by bug farts)), and more blood, guts, and body bits than Freddy Krueger ever dreamed of in *his* nightmares.

Some notes on things you can recognize, if you've read the story:

Dizzy Flores being doomed. In the book, he died right near the beginning.

Kitten being doomed. In the book, he went out on his rating exam from OCS, but never came back (did win a posthumous LoT, though, if I recall correctly).

Breckenridge being doomed. In the book, he died during survival training in the Canadian Rockies. The M.I. then spent several days seeking & eventually finding his corpse. The M.I. always looks after it's own.

The idea 'the M.I. always looks after it's own' became 'don't worry, if you're wounded, *we'll* shoot you so the bugs can't eat you alive'.

Rico being whipped. In the book, the actual charge was, roughly, 'acting during simulated combat in a manner which, during actual combat, would have resulted in the death or injury of his teammates'. In the movie, of course, it was due to his *actually* killing one of his teammates (Breckenridge). The funny thing about it in the book was that it was, sort of, a compliment. If they had decided that he wasn't M.I. material, they wouldn't have bothered with the whipping; they would have simply given him a BCD and shoved him out the door. As it was, they gave him 5 lashes administrative punishment because they thought he had the makings of a trooper, *if* he could be taught self-discipline.

READ THE BOOK!!!

Ken Andrews, ken.andrews@megasys.ca
STAR TREK: GENERATIONS (1994) Paramount Pictures
Many people despise this movie, and finally it should belong in the MST3K index. There were a lot of mistakes in the film. There should be a Gods Must Be Crazy reference during the opening credits when we see that champagne bottle float in space. Another chicken-ish moment in this film was the event that led to the Enterprise-D's destruction, the Enterprise-D got its bloody ass kicked by a 20 year old Bird of Prey. The Enterprise-D could have taken that ship down easily and pounded it to a burning pulp!!! If we were talking more of a battleship attacking the Enterprise, like a warbird, there would be a point. The writing was sloppy and downbeat.
Russell Christiansen, russ@megsinet.net
STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979) Century Associates/Paramount Pictures
This vast waste of celluloid ought to have been titled "Star Trek: The Motionless Picture." It served to confirm my suspicions that William Shatner has the emotional range and acting ability of a canned ham. In space, no one can hear you yawn.
Erica Drescher, ADresc9197@aol.com
STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989) Paramount Pictures
Nuff said.

No, just "Share Your Pain" -- there's plenty of deep hurting to go around!

Tom Restivo, tom.restivo@ichiban.com

You know, if you insist in putting a Nimoy apologist-film, put the Shatner one in too - Star Trek V: The Extremely Boring Movie.

"Every one has a secret pain. Yours is knowing you spent seven bucks on this movie!"

kali39@aol.com

Just wanted to let you know that even though a 'netter was credited with choosing Star Trek V as deserving, Kevin Murphy already had that one in mind (he mentioned it at DragonCon 1995); BBI just can't get enough money to get it! :(

Noel Fiser, fiser@cis.ufl.edu

Oh God, this movie sucks-ugh, ugh, ugh. I'm a big Trek fan, but I know when to give up on certain films. The dialogue is so lame that it requires a wheelchair and several attendants-and doesn't get them. The plot should be taken out in the backyard and shot-it doesn't have the sense or intelligence of dirt! The acting reminds me of zombies, and that campfire scene-ouch, ouch, ouch, that is some deep, deep hurting there. Every time I see it in our video cabinet I have to suppress both the gag reflex, an urge to flush it down the toilet, and and urge to scream very loudly, "You mean they actually paid money to make this movie???!!! And we actually spent money to buy it???!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! This movie should be put out of its misery, and that would put us Trekkies out of our misery too-anybody who doesn't like Trek can just point to Star Trek 5 as their reason why and we can't argue. MST3K should do this movie; if I can think of at least dozen cutting remarks during ST5, which I can, the robots and Mike will have a field day!

Margaret, dragonfly_@hotmail.com

[Editor's note: This was MSTed in a fan production headed by Ryan Johnson (rkj@eskimo.com).]

STEEL DAWN (1987)
I don't know who produced this one, but it's a pretty standard loser. A stock post-holocaust desert flick in which water is the most precious resource. This one stars Patrick Swayze as the hero, a former soldier turned lone mercenary. He falls in with some helpless civilian types who have discovered a source of untainted water which they want to use to rebuild civilization and gets some nookie from the woman in charge. Since they're woefully unable to protect their little treasure, he ends up fighting the baddies for them. The heavy turns out to be another dude from the same fighting school.

Plenty of room for material from Roadhouse comments, Road Warrior comments, etc.

Ted Collins, tcollins@qcom.net
STEWARDESS SCHOOL (1987)
All I have to say is any movie with Donny Most AND Judy Landers cannot be good.
Michael Roberts, kiok@oneworld.owt.com
THE STONED AGE (1994) Trimark Pictures
Bad 80's attempt at a stoner comedy. The writers took all the surface elements of past stoner comedies like Cheech and Chong, but forgot to add one thing-humor. Plenty of offensive remarks concerning women, Jake Busey (son of Gary) in what may have been his first role, and quick cameos by Frankie Avalon and Taylor Negron. If it hadn't been made before it, I'd swear they were ripping off Dazed and Confused.
KenWMcC55@aol.com
STORYBOOK (1995) PM Entertainment Group Inc./Republic Pictures
In this whimsical fantasy a kid enters a fairy tale book and meets up with many "friends" while dodging an evil queen. Bad acting all around. The scene in which a razor fish attacks them gets a little out of hand. Basically a hand puppet (obviously foam rubber) "jumps" (thrown) out of the water (wading pool) and is caught by the lumberjack (one of the "whimsical" friends) and then still puts up a fight. (the lumberjack moves his hands around and screams)

They then meet up with a boxing kangaroo, who can't go through two minutes of the movie without being punched by his shadow or saying the word "mate" (bad accent)

The queen (good descriptive word!) happens to have it out for this little boy because (oh no) he has the power to destroy this 80 year old hag. The queen finally captures the boy, but in a surprise ending (at this point ANY ending is good) her pet snake turns against her. BLEH!

Not all of this may be accurate. After I passed out from the "movie"-*1*- I lost most memory.

-*1*- Webster's defines a movie as having a plot. This doesn't, therefore the parentheses.

Name removed by request
STREET ANGELS (1992) Vista Street Entertainment
My friend Ray works at a video store and he brought this one home as MST3K fodder. It's about this cop who trains three female prisoners to be super criminals and then sends them after this bad guy. The movie looks like it was shot with a home video camera and the movie just sets up so many one-liners that it's not even funny!! Right up there with as one of the worst movies ever!!
Tobey Robison, trobison@mail.heidelberg.edu
STREET TRASH (1987)
This is a horror flick about bums who melt into a foul-looking goo when they drink the cheap liquor a local merchant is selling. One bum actually suffers the indignity of being sucked into a toilet. Street Trash gives a whole new meaning to "dirty movie." You'll want to take a shower immediately after watching it. I worried that the tape itself might leave behind a foul odor in my VCR. The script and the acting stink, too, but in a different way.
Joe Blevins, joeblev@concentric.net
SUPERARGO (original title IL RE DE CRIMINALI) (1967)
Whoo boy... I had to do some deep digging on the IMDb to unearth this stinker, which I stumbled upon (or maybe stepped in would be a more appropriate metaphor) in an insomnia-related TV binge. I came upon this movie about halfway through, but the pain was readily apparent. The main character, Superargo, is a superhero (sort of a Spanish Superman, if you can imagine that) whose only super power apears to be jumping really high. The meager plot centers around a maniac supervillian (What? Like you expected anything else from a superhero action film?) and his plot to take over the world with zombies that looked like rejects from Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. I swear, they had the same headgear and everything... I could tell in about five minutes how bad this movie was, and the only thing that kept me watching was SHEER, MORBID, FASCINATION. Watch for the scene when Superargo and his unexceptional sidekick are trapped in a room full of poison gas and escape by LEVITATING!!!!! AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!
Becky "Gypsy Jr." Mroczkowski, agentkay@juno.com
SUPERGIRL (1984) Cantharus Productions N.V.
This movie was a BOMB!!! The bad things about this were that the hero was an almost complete copy of Superman. Supergirl wears a costume similar to Superman's, only with a wimpy miniskirt, one of the stupid throwbacks ever created. And another stupid thing in this movie was when Supergirl let that power-shovel / loader combination slam into a building (Negligent superhero. You could wonder if she was affected by that "evil-causing-thought-to-be-Kryptonite-with-tar-replacing-the-unknown-element" from Superman III.). And Supergirl was up against A WITCH!!! (Pathetic). One was good enough; copies of that are just chopped liver. PERFECT for MST3K!!!
Russell Christiansen, xiansen@mcs.com
SUPER MARIO BROS.
Whew. This film was just plain cheese. Mario and Luigi go to some freaky city in another dimension er sumpin', get chased around by these huge giants with comically tiny heads, all to free some girl whose apparently THE princess. Exactly what she's princess of is vauge at best. Along the way, the marginally bright brothers are aided by a thimble-sized nuke, and some sort of goo that is actually a MUTATED KING!!!!!!!! King Koopa is played by former star Dennis Hopper. Assorted twits flesh out the cast. Watch if you need an epicac.
Joe Shininger, jerm81@webtv.net
SUPERSONIC MAN (1979)
Supersonic Man was a Spanish film (dubbed into English) starring Luis Barbo as a superhero from another galaxy. He faces off against bad movie legend Cameron Mitchell (check out his resume on the Internet Movie Database. It's quite impressive.). That's about the only thing legendary about this one. The costumes are hokey, the lines are perfect set-ups for great jokes, and it's a bit more recent than usual MST3K stuff. A no-brainer.
Rick Florey, overkill@agate.net
THE SWAP (aka SAM'S SONG)
Stars Robert DeNiro in easily one of his worst films ever.But the real bad performances come from the guy who plays his brother (Jared Mickey) an ex-con seaching for Sam's (DeNiro) killer.The director Jordan Leondopoulos was also mysterisly also never heard from again.
Rupert Pupkin, thereischange@webtv.net
THE SWARM (1978) Warner Brothers
The Swarm is the positively the most dismal movie ever made. A swarm of killer bees buzzes around Texas, killing rednecks and destroying the careers of Irwin Allen, Michael Caine, Henry Fonda, and even Fred MacMurray. I believe it is no small considence that this was the last movie Olivia De Havilland and Fred M. ever made - What a stinkbomb.

Consider, for example, the scene where Micheal Caine flys around in a helicopter, dropping a special pesticide on the bees. He leans out the side door of the Helicopter with a pair of binoculars from some altitude, and can see that the bees are not swallowing the poison - Those are some GOOD binocs! To make matters worse, he declares "It's as if they know it will harm them" (or some such rubbish).

While this movie does not approach classics such as Plan 9 for pure badness, it has to take the award for greatest waste of talented actors...

Watch it - if you dare...

Gary Stone, gstone@cisco.com
SWIMSUIT: THE MOVIE (1997) Eminence Front Productions
Lord Jesus this movie came on HBO about 11:00 on Friday night and it is about a company that uses models to cover up an oil spill on an island and the models find out and investigate and stop the company and save the island using tools like the boob camera.
Robert Patterson, loupat@wiltel.net

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com