MSTable movies: N

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THE NAVIGATORS
This is an incredibly poorly scripted story of a group of medieval folk who are living in a village that is in the throes of the black plague. For some reason or another the group decides to dig a tunnel through the earth, which they do, and end up in modern day Australia (maybe because it took them so long?). Anyway, the story finally completes itself with a far from resolved plot and the movie ends probably because the budget ran out. I don't who directed this or starred in it, but that can easily be remedied by visiting the nearest video store and checkin this out!
Richard839@aol.com
THE NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS (aka THE NIGHT CRAWLERS) (1966) Realart Pictures Corporation
For years I thought it was one of those repressed memory things that only hypnosis or years of therapy could bring out, but one day I realized that as a child I had actually seen The Navy vs. the Night Monsters. This one has MST3K written all over it as (if I remember correctly) a "McHale's Navy" type group of sailors and a couple of scientist types battle what appears to be some form of giant broccoli. The image of one of these broccoli ripping the arm off a hapless sailor has stayed with me for years, especially since I don't recall the monster having any limbs or mouth or it's own.
Dale Arthur, daarthu@heronet.or.jp
NEMESIS (1993) Imperial Entertainment Corporation
In the future, cyborgs begin conspiring to replace humans with replicas so they can take over the world, and a cyborg ex-cop has to stop them, even though he doesn't really feel like it. This direct-to-video ripoff of Terminator has little going for it except a few half-decent makeup effects. The plot is confusing, most of the cast is half asleep, and the endoskeleton-like robot at the end looks like a "Jason and the Argonauts" skeleton painted silver and animated by an amateur. The edited-for-TV version of this movie might be just tame enough to serve as 'bot fodder.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
THE NEST (1988)
A pest-control experiment goes wrong, causing mutant cockroaches to terrorize an island community. While some (apparently insane) movie critics have described this as a good drive-in movie with "above par" special effects, it is, in fact, a dull horror movie with cheap special effects which lurch along on wheels (or are thrown at actors from off camera). Probably too gory for MST3K, and definitely not worth seeing, but mentioned here if only because it includes a mutant cockroach-cat and (get this) a queen cockroach.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
NEVER SAY NEVER - THE DEIDRE HALL STORY (1995) ABC-TV
This stinker is hot out of the can. I was stupid (and bored) enough to sit through this thing tonight. Deidre "Marlena" Hall of daytime t.v.'s Days of Our Lives plays herself in this made for t.v. tearjerker. Could you manipulate the audience a little more? Oh this woman's quest for motherhood is a heart-warming story of bravery and fortitude in the face of utter disaster... never mind the fact that she has her health, tons of dough, a job and the skin of a 22 year old, infertility is truly the human scourge. Could we see a few more teary-eyed close-ups? Hear more of Deirdre's tinkling merry laughter? Self-indulgence at its finest here. Dyna-girl would be truly disgusted to find out what her crime-fighting partner has been up to.
John H. Leonard, hlwv31a@prodigy.com
NIGHTFALL (1988)
(I actually paid real money to see this in a real theater.) One of Isaac Asimov's more thought-provoking works -- and one of the best known stories in science fiction -- becomes...well, a really bad movie. Released in 1988 and starring David Birney, this has production values that nearly equal those of The Cave Dwellers, and acting that was so awful that I have repressed any useful memories of it. What I recall is generally in reference to the original story, as in "That wasn't how Asimov described it!" and "Didn't anybody read the story first?" and "I don't remember any gratuitous sex scenes!"

[...] In particular, the movie didn't explain very well the concept - absolutely central to the plot and the whole point of the film - that the planet where the story was set was never without sunlight. In its defense (and this movie needs a lot of defending, believe me!) the story could've explained it better, as well. But, boy, is this a stinker...

Pat Bowman, pbowman@aimla.com
NIGHT FRIGHT (aka THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL NASTY) (1967)
Stupid sheriff John Agar fights stupid monster in Texas wilderness. Bleak and depressing. Need I say more?
durlinlunt@acadia.net
NIGHT OF THE COMET
Another good one for MST, although some of the Catherine Mary Stewart fans out there might object. Basically, a comet makes a close pass by Earth, and almost everyone dies. Apparently being inside a metal building protects people from the comets effects, so our heroine and her boyfriend survive the night because they were to busy getting it on in the tool shed to watch the comet.

Wait! It gets worse! Some people who were "partially protected" get turned into murderous zombies! The boyfriend gets killed by one almost the instant he and CMS step out of the tool shed! (Don't worry, CMS soon finds a replacement.) Not all of the zombies are brainless (at least according to the brainless script), so some of them have lines, but they're all homicidal maniacs.

Need even more pain? Well, there's a think tank of brainy guys who realized that the comet was dangerous, so they all hid out in an underground bunker so they could preserver civilization. Unfortunately, these morons left the vents to the outside open, so they've all been exposed to evil comet stuff and are slowly degenerating into zombies. They send some agents out to capture CMS and her companions because they think they can extract a cure from her, but the agents succumb to the comet stuff and go nuts by the time the find her. Remember now, these scientists in their shelter are degenerating into zombies, but CMS is OK because she was shacking up in the tool shed.

Finally, after all the zombies have finally kicked off and CMS and her friends are lazing about town grabbing whatever they want of the store shelves, she discovers that the only other survivor in town is her hated video game rival.

I think the makers WANTED this thing to be MST material.

Ted Collins, tcollins@qcom.net
NIGHT OF THE GHOULS (1959)
Also known as Revenge of the Dead (1959), this has got to be one of the most god-awful movies I have ever sat through. This makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Star Wars. You have to see it to believe it. From what I could follow of the plot, this movie is a sequel to that other Ed Wood classic Bride of the Monster and features several cast members and Ed Wood regulars Kenne Duncan, "Duke" Moore, Paul Marco, and the one and only Tor Johnson. The house that got struck by lightning and went up in a nuclear explosion at the end of "Bride" has been rebuilt and there are some spooky goings-on there. An old couple rush to the police station and report that they saw a ghostly woman dressed in white. She scares them to death by walking up to their car, writhes her fingers and them, and then runs away! A detective is sent to the house to investigate and runs into an old guy in a turban and no teeth named Dr. Acula (I am not making this up!) Dr. Acula is conducting a seance for an old woman and her teenage boyfriend. During the seance we see a floating teacup (oooo, scary!), a sheet float by (my heart is my throat!) and a creepy black guy muttering incoherently and moving his mouth like a cow chewing cud (now that's scary!) Tor Johnson appears once again as Lobo in bad burn make-up. There are subplots about a spineless young policeman who jumps every time he hears a cricket and woman dressed in black who goes around killing stupid teenagers. Even Tony Cardoza shows up in a bit part (he was also one of the associate producers)! This has got to be the worst film ever made. According to Leonard Maltin, this film sat on the shelf for 23 years! If you look closely at the opening credits, you can see 1983 in roman numerals. I hope Mike and the bots choose this film. They would rip it to shreds.
Nichele Johnston, vaelyn@hotmail.com
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS
...was the story of a herd of (no kidding) giant killer rabbits, overrunning Idaho!! Or some such place. One of the best aspects of this film is that the rabbits, somehow, are always in slow motion. Some well-trained bunnies, I'd say. Gratefully, the film ends when the rabbits are electrocuted by a railroad. THE ONE REASON why you should mist this movie: DeForest Kelly.
Joshua Bissey, joshua@cs.umr.edu

I don't remember the director, the actors, or the year it was made. The movie, though, is truly memorable in its awfulness. These killer bunny rabbits put the one in Monty Python and the Holy Grail to shame. Unlike Python's beast, these rabbits aren't meant to be funny -- but they'll have you falling off the couch laughing. Don't watch it after abdominal surgery unless you've got lots of pain medication close at hand.

Paula Morton, pmorton@snd10.med.navy.mil

This movie is GREAT for MST3King - I know it's on your list but the review there just didn't do it justice. I don't think the banter at the screen when we watched it stopped from the beginning to the end credits. It was fantastic. No dead spots.

The best line (spoken by a policeman at a drive-in movie theater): "Ladies and gentlemen - a hoarde of killer rabbits is coming this way. Your cooperation is appreciated."

Bob Donahue, donahue@skepsis.com
NIGHT TRAIN TO VENICE (1993) International Video Productions
Watching this film was the most horrifying experience of my existence. It is a painful and pretentious bit of cinematic excrement about a train, neo-Nazis, shoelaces, fire, an androgynous Vidal-Sassoon reject and his/her equally androgynous offspring, and falling leaves that turn into girls or something, and oh yeah, a couple of dobermans.
student@showme.missouri.edu
NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER (1985)
If you haven't caught this one, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme's debut, or should I say, not so impressive debut. He plays a minor role as a Russian fighter who can't act but can fight. The mrest of the movie is pure crap, or for MSTies, pure cheese. The main character is a boy who is taught karate by the ghost of Bruce Lee in the boy's garage.
Matt Creelman, mdc129@psu.edu
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE (1991) Warner Bros.
If memory serves me, John Candy, Demi Moore (I think), and Chevy Chase (so you know it's bad) are brought to trial for speeding by some sadistic hick judge who has removable parts. At one point, behead a watermelon. Worst movie I ever saw.
Jessica Wolfman, loupgarou@webtv.net
NUMBER ONE (1970)
Ponderous football saga starring Chuck Heston as an aging quarterback who just hasn't got it any more, but can't bring himself to face retirement. Much bathos, tedium, many bad fashions/hairdos, lots of stilted fake hip-speak, and Bruce Dern. I don't think Forrester could wish for much more.
Tom Perdue, tomperdue@aol.com

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com