MSTable movies: W

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WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS (aka FURANKENSHUTAIN NO KAIJUU: SANDA TAI GAIRA) (1966)
Saw this one on tv in a motel home while on a trip, and didn't get the details, but it starred Russ Tamblin and those of us present found it criminally easy to heckle this turkey of a film.
gydweli@aol.com

There's an evil giant green furry ape monster, and there's a good giant brown furry ape monster, and, surprise of surprises, they trash Tokyo while beating the bejeezus out of each other. Sillier-than-usual Japanese monsterfest features tanks that refuse to get out of the way when the Green Gargantua starts mashing them one by one, and a bad singer who sings a bad song and is punished by being devoured by the Green Gargantua. Soundbites from this film were featured in the song "Gargantua's Last Stand" by Man or Astroman? on their Destroy All Astromen CD, which also features a cover version of the MST3K Love Theme!
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu
WARRIORS OF VIRTUE (1997) MGM
All I can say is "The horror... The horror..." First off, let me make it clear that I did NOT want to see this movie; I was just humoring my younger cousin. Basically, here's the plot: A kid wins a football game, which makes some "tough" kids like him. Then he talks to a Martial Arts Stir Fry chef type guy, who tells him the heartwarming story of how he killed a butterfly, and gives him some sacred book. Then he meets up with the older kids again. It turns out that the only way they'll think he's cool is if he walks across a slippery sewer pipe without getting blasted by another pipe and sucked into a whirlpool. Naturally, he gets blasted, but, instead of dying (which would have been the smarter thing to do) he goes into another dimension. A bunch of stuff happens then, involving kangaroos. Newsflash: If this is based on a real Chinese fairy tale, then why are there talking kangaroos, rhinoceri, and musk oxen? And when the kid has to read the Michael Jackson-esque from the sacred book with nothing in it, does he say something profound? No. What does he say? "Sh*t happens." The rest of my rantings about this film could fill a warehouse.
Vermin Boy, PYRB87A@prodigy.com
WAXWORK II: LOST IN TIME (1992)
There's a segment in this really really bad movie where one of the lead characters winds up in a 1950's type horror movie, and one of the people he's trapped with is none other than our very own Ship's Counselor, Marina Sirtis (bearing a striking resemblance to Creepy Girl!).
Bill Livingston, bill.livingston@msfc.nasa.gov
(Taken from rec.arts.tv.mst3k)
WEEKEND NIGHTMARE
His [Bob Burke's] first movie, the plot revolves around some babe who has hitchiked into Zombieville for the weekend. Bob plays the sadistic biker/rapist and gets his just deserts. A typically crappy incoherent teen horror schlock film.
Chris Precht, sprokit@interport.net
WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE (1995) Sony Pictures Classics
It's been a year now and the pain still lingers. I can't even look at the poster for this film without wincing, and cluthing at the scars. I was lured into the theater to see this ball of cheese by two friends deeply into art films, who assured me it was the greatest cinematic escapade in years.

That should have been my big clue.

This film goes on for about two hours, during which time it comes within screaming distance of a plotline - but never mnages to grab hold of one and get properly going anywhere.

I spent almost the entire first half of the film waiting for a plot to start. Waiting, and clawing at my armrest, and praying.

The movie is about this young mousy girl, with a bimbo younger sister who everyone loves, a nerd older brother who's dorky reputation ruins her chances of happiness, and a self-centered witch of a mother - all of whome spend the entire movie just treading on the poor girl's life - systematically destroying everything this kid holds dear, both materially and emotionally. There's also the obligatory jerks at her school who add to her life's torment - a female bully, a male bully, a bunch of rich girls. And of course, a hunky "teen idol" male slipped into the cast for the sole purpose of ignoring her.

This isn't so much a movie as a list of horrible things the author decided to do to their main character. It plays like a psychiatrist's casebook - and once the list is over, they tack on a final scene and roll the credits.

And that final scene is such a hard climb, too. After I gave up waiting for the plot to start, I anxiously awaited the ending - and was repeatedly denied, and teased in my wanting. There are no less than five seperate wrapping up scenes, that comrpise the second half of the film.

You think the movie's over.

You begin to rejoice! You've seen the light at the end!

NO!

The film continues! And continues! ...and continues!

I believe this film would be perfect for MST3K - it appears to have been wrtten for the sole purpose of making an audience writhe in pain.

Carefully crafted by a sadistic film buff, out to extract vengance upon the movie-going public who prefered hollywood's glitz, and special effects extravaganzas, to his previous script about a rotting orange and the lives it touches as it decays.

Vengance is his.

This film is the living embodiment of DEEP HURTING.

Chris Sutor, cobalt@tigerden.com
WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE (1951) Paramount Pictures
ok a planet is on a destructive course and is going to bump into the earth all the people that survibe acts of nature get together and build a ship funded by a rich old man in a wheel chair who is greedy and wants to live. so it gets closer they have a lottery to see who is going to go and of course the people that lose want to take over the ship.....they take off leaving the old man behind. sound familiar to you....

they crash on a new planet starting life over with a batch of puppies that little timmy smuggled aboard

Joe Yandow, jacked@creative.net
WHITCOMB'S REVENGE (1980)
I saw this well-meaning, but still absurd, flick on a local Christian TV station. It was filmed in Iowa and stars a cast of corn-fed midwestern non-actors.

Hell, where the fates of all souls are monitored on what looks like a TRS-80, becomes alarmed when young, energetic Pastor Whitcomb takes over a small Iowa church. Three demons are dispatched to foil his plans. In a scene too goofy to imagine, they stand around him chanting "Fail! Fail!" The demons are only seen by the viewer, (a la Scrooge and the ghosts in "A Christmas Carol") but one closes a door behind him. (Continuity!!) One of the demons looks frighteningly like Larry King, and another looks like Hugh Hefner. Is there a message being sent here? The demons wear red shirts, and black vests and baseball caps with little coiled snake insignias on them. (A sure sign of evil!) But wait, there's more! Like a flashback scene where an atheist remembers his father getting run over by a Model T Ford, and two construction workers fighting with second-hand clothes. Lotsa bad "feathered" hairdos, too. It's only 67 minutes long, so there'd even be time for a short. DEEP HURTING!

Dan C., danc@diamond.nb.net
WHITE COMANCHE (1967)
You MUST add White Comanche, a film where William Shatner plays a sherrif and his renegade twin brother who is riding around with the Comanches killing everyone.

It was featured on TNT's "100% Wierd" once. That's all I know about it.

David Adams, daadams@indiana.edu
WILD PARTY ON THE BEACH
All right, I only saw a bit of this movie, although my sister and my father think it's pretty bad. Kind of a Horror of Party Beach-esque movie without the horror. The final song they play in this awful work of art is based on the cartoon character "Speedy Gonzales." Looks like nothing original there. Should be a good target for MiSTing. It was on Showtime 2 just today.
Russell Christiansen, russ@megsinet.net
WIND (1992)
This movie does for the America's Cup races what Days of Thunder did for NASCAR racing. I have no idea what, though. Matt Modine and Jennifer Grey star as an on-again off-again couple who decide to join up with the champion racing sail team and America's Cup holders. I think. Matt meets the patriach-type of the team (Cliff Robertson) and his eccentric daughter. Matt impresses the old man with his skills as a tactician and skipper, I think. Um. But then the old rigamarole of "This is a boys' club" pervades, and Jennifer splits to the West to work on aerodynamics. The Cup races begin proper, and the American team loses big time to the Australian team, captained by the boisterous Jack Neville (Jack Thompson). Matt, having "shamed the family", goes off to see Jennifer who has by now got herself a new boyfriend amongst the aerodynamics people. They concoct ideas about designing and building a better boat. This they do. Matt pays a visit to the home of the American racing team and discovers that defeat has reduced the patriarch to wandering around his palatial home in his pj's, hair mussed up and waving a pistol. Matt falls into bed with the old man's loopy daughter, and she decides to help with the new boat being put together by the aerodynamics people. After mishaps and infighting, somehow they are able to win the Cup back from the Aussies.

I think they would have done better if they had instead done a nice little documentary about the America's Cup, instead of this little whatever it is.

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com
WIRED (1989)
Oh, my God, this movie was so bad I cringe at the very mention of its name. I expected a straightforward film version of Bob Woodward's John Belushi bio. What I got was an incoherent mishmash about Belushi becoming some sort of zombie after his death and being given a tour of his life by a cabdriver who also happens to be an angel. It jumps back and forth through time with no sense of coherence--even Bob Woodward himself turns up as a character. It's like a remake of It's A Wonderful Life by Hal P. Warren. Most you-gotta-see-it-to-believe it scene: Belushi the zombie being conscious during his own autopsy, imagining the doctor who is cutting him up as a sushi chef. His angel buddy suggests he can made the pain go away by doing Brando imitations. This movie is such a turkey that it should be stored in the freezer case next to the Butterballs.
Bonnie Walling, sunbird@exit109.com
THE WORLD OF CHEMISTRY (TV)
(Educational TV series)

My classmates have been riffing their heads off at these instructional films. It's introduced by some mood-less chem guy going "This is what we're going to do," "This is very important," like he's falling asleep. Then, there's this overreactive guy showing off all the experiments on TV. Wow, a bulb lights up? Who likes all that kind of crud?!!!!

Russell Christiansen, russ@megsinet.net

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com