MSTable movies: R

Index | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z
RAWHEAD REX
Rawhead
Sweet Rawhead
How your roars echo through my head.
Rawhead
Sweet Rawhead
In your wake everything lies- dead.
No, you cant move your neck
So you go on your trek
Leaving children's toys crushed at your feet!
Your Rawhead! Rawhead! Rawhead!
Silliest of the beasts.

If any movie ever deserved to be beamed aboard the satellite of love, it is Rawhead Rex. Written by Clive Barker (who consequently takes no credit for the film) Rawhead is a mythical Irish monster who is released from his earthy tomb by some unsuspecting land owners. They are attempting to remove this rock from this 1000 acre field, but instead they end up releasing the monster that is "Rawhead". The movie goes on and on, saying nothing, and going nowhere, until Rawhead meets his fate- a pregnant woman with a buddah lamp.

Shane Steinfeld, steinfel@birch.grove.ufl.edu
REBEL HIGH (1987)
Zero budget filmmaking at its best! David McCallum in a Canadian tax-shelter wonder (it sure *looks* that way, anyhow) about the worst high school in the country. Rock 'n' Roll High School this ain't, and the music has to be heard to be believed.
Serdar, syegul@ix.netcom.com
RECKLESS KELLY (1993) Serious Entertainment/Warner Brothers
It was produced, directed and stars Yahoo Serious. You know that Austarlian wonder who brought us Young Einstein. Basically the movie is about some austrailian outback bank robber that steals from the rich and gives to the poor. It has been a family tradition for centuries, as well as making beer. So this guy has a home built mortecycle and robs banks in Sydney. He then goes to Hollywood because he thinks there is more money there and gets caught by the police but the can't arrest him because they think he's an actor, go figure. I promise you if you can even find this movie in a vidieo store you'll agree that it belongs in the MST3k archives. My roomate and I were just channel surfing one afternoon in september and found this movie on HBO. After about 5 minutes of watching it we found ourselves making comments, cracking jokes and laughing our asses off because the movie is just that bad!
brf109@psu.edu
REDNECK (1972) (original title SENZA RAGIONE)
I met Telly Savales once. Seemed like a real nice guy. I almost hate to think he was in this pathetic British/Italian (mull THAT over in your mind) crime flick. Poor Telly! He plays a jewel thief name Memphis with a wildly exaggerated Southern accent! He's way over the top in just about every scene. Memphis and his Italian partner, played by Franco Nero - who wears a woman's tiger-striped coat (!) through much of the flick, steal a getaway car after a botched jewel heist not knowing that a 12-year old English lad was hiding inside. (Right!) As they flee towards the French border, Memphis panics and shoots a shepherd boy and cries hysterically. (The goofy meter is in the red by this point.) After a while he refuses to walk any further and forces Franco and the kid to carry him. Why?! Why?! Why?! Stinger: (after the failed jewel heist) Memphis shouts at his partner: "You stupid ding-a-ling!!"
danc@nb.net
REDNECK ZOMBIES (1987) Troma
Found in a video store in Barnesville, Georgia, home of "Buggy Days!" A US Army truck carrying toxic waste in convenient barrels, happens to lose one (if one of those barrels should happen to fall, 99 barrels of ooze on the wall!) Some hick types take the barrel and make a still out of it. The moonshine is radioactive, and all the hillbillies are turned into zombies. Our hero, who is a no talent hack, can only save mankind by chugging his 190% proof grain whiskey and stabbing the zombies in their black hearts with ...corn cobs. I kid you not. Fun stuff.
EmarZero@aol.com
RED SONJA
...is more than ripe for an MST3K episode. I know this because it was painful to watch. My friend and I came up with some really good rifs that had an entire room laughing, so I'm sure the mega-talented writing staff of MST3K would have no problem ripping this one to shreds!
Miriam Burkett, mburkett@acs.stritch.edu
REEFER MADNESS (1936) G & H
Honestly, I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a documentary, propaganda, or just a real bad drama. The film is supposed to be a peak inside the shady world of marijuana pushers. Everyone ends up looking ridiculous in this MiSTer's dream. Alternate review: I Accuse My Parents, except with the plot revolving around drugs instead of lying.
joeylemur@aol.com
THE REINCARNATION OF PETER PROUD (1975)
Michael Sarrazin arrives at a summer camp, and begins to have visions about a previous life in which his gonads had an unfortunate run-in with a canoe paddle. Not for the squeamish.
Curt Wiederhoeft, cjw9505@Jetson.uh.edu

THE RELIC (1997) Paramount Pictures
poorly written, poorly directed, poorly lit hunk of monster crap. A bunch of morons in a museum are killed by a giant ant eater. Based on a best seller (??), this movie has nothing to recommend it.
Vlady Pildysh, vpildysh@ucla.edu

Clive Barker once said that he would sit through a bad movie if there was the promise of a good monster in it (he named Howard the Duck as an example). The Relic is one of these movies. The Kothoga is probably the best thing (Penelope Ann Miller in a tiny black dress comes in second) about the movie, really, even if it is hands down one of the noisiest movie monsters ever. I mean, when the thing runs, it sounds like a horse galloping (in spite of having huge clawed paws for feet). Somehow it's able to sneak up on unsuspecting victims despite its really wheezy, raspy breathing (which inspires a laughably lame false alarm in a ladies room, early on in the movie. Well, I have asthma too; it just hasn't been flaring up like it used to).

The overall design of the Kothoga left something to be desired. It looked as if the Stan Winston people were running out of ideas... so they just took one of their Ghost and the Darkness lions, slapped a Predator face onto the front, gave it a dinosaur's tail, and voila, monster in the museum...

In spite of the neat monster, and not very bad acting, odd technobabble and such, the film is rather confusing and lame... I kept thinking there were at least two Kothoga creatures running around, the way the one kept being in so many different places at the same time, it seemed. The whole sequence with the SWAT team guys getting wiped out (actually kinda neat, if stupid and pointless) has to be seen to be believed. Also features a real gross-out face-off between Miss Miller and the Kothoga which hammers home the notion of why these movies keep getting made: so guys can see a woman victimized by a huge male monster (no, *that* doesn't happen). This scene also suggests that poor Penelope Ann Miller (still in that tiny black dress) can act, after all. Well, I think she can...

The Kothoga gets a lot of screen credit as the the movie ends. Someone (Gary Hecker; his name appears in the end credits of ID4 for "Alien Vocalizations") provided "Kothoga Vocalizations", there were at least eight "Kothoga Puppeteers", and "Kothoga" itself is listed as performed by two actors (I recognized the name of Vincent Hammond... he's a big guy who played the main monster in the Hulk Hogan flick Suburban Commando)... I wonder if they fit the two guys into one Kothoga suit like a pantomime horse...

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com
REPTILLICUS
I didn't see all of this movie, but what I saw qualified as a MiSTing. It's about this giant reptile like thing that attacks cities (how original). It mainly just spews some green stuff on people that the scientists can only refer to as "slime".One of the worst scenes in this film is when Reptillicus eats a farmer that strangly looks like a cartoon in an 80's video.Some of the other things to look forward for in this film are people jogging from the monster as it attacks the city and this giant lizard attacking the small toy cars.
Damen Perry, zeus@voyageronline.net
RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! (1988)
It is even funnier than the first...slightly higher budget, but just as bad. The music is pretty hilarious (80's-shudder) and the plot is just rediculous. Some mad scientist trying to make people out of tomatoes (which are forbidden)...a really young and cute George Clooney who falls in love with a tomato-girl...and FT, the cutest tomato you'll ever see. My brother, my friend and I ripped both "Attack" and "Return" to shreds on many occasions. I can just imagine how funny the crew of MST would make it.
Madeleine Scotto, scotto96@potsdam.edu
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III (1993)
[A]nother classic for the vaults...oh, I mean FROM the vaults. I believe it was made in 1990. Starring people who were never again offered another movie deal, this flick has such humerous bits as a reincarnated bisected dog, a naked, orange haired nymphomaniac zombie, and other assorted goodies. Truly one to watch...but only if you have a strong stomach!!
cmbrenna@naz.edu
THE RETURN OF THE KING (1979) (TV) Rankin-Bass Productions?
This movie only covers parts of the last book of a long, involved trilogy, and heavily paraphrases even that. To remove any danger of suspense, the story is told by the major characters as they relax, safe and sound, at Rivendell afterward. Most of the real action is described in voiceovers, leaving the animators to mainly show characters sitting around and agonizing about this and that. The one good (or at least mildly amusing) moment in the film is the rousing orc marching song, "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way".
From the editor
RETURN TO HORROR HIGH (1987) New World Pictures/Balcor Film Investors
A typical low-budget, direct-to-video, none-too-scary horror flick with a couple of unusual twists. One is a pre-ER George Clooney in a small role. Another is the incomparable Maureen McCormick-- that's right, Marcia Brady-- playing a cop of some sort. The plot is a bit difficult to grasp-- apparently a movie company is filiming a movie about a number of murders in a high school, only the arrival of the film crew sets of another (?) murderer, who starts killing the actors and crew. I think. Frankly, I think the plot is just an excuse for the camera crew filming the real movie to not worry about walking into the frame. The highlight of the film has to be Maureen McCormick erotically (and inexplicably) rubbing her bloody hands all over her body. It's sensuous, but at the same time, a bit, well, stupid.

Oh, and for what it's worth, no, there was no movie known as "Horror High," so I'm not really sure what they're returning from.

Brian J. Bergevin, bergevb@bsk.com
REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS (aka HOTS 3) (1976)
This definitely MST-able movie stars David Hasselhoff, or so it says on the cover. This movie is out on video, and it is definitely ridiculous.

The movie is about six cheerleaders at Aloha High School somewhere in California, who'd do anything to make sure their high school doesn't merge with a rival high school across town. But that's supposed to be the plot. Layered on top of it is gratuitous nudity (excised for MST3K), inept school administrators, a male police officer who pats down a naked cheerleader (?), bizarre sex scenes (e.g. one of the cheerleaders and a naked Hasselhoff in the back seat of a car in the high school's auto shop? Evidently, they don't use protection -- one of the cheerleaders is very heavily pregnant!), dance sequences that would look weird even for 1975 that do nothing but fill time up, and a sequence where the entire school gets high on drugs stolen from the rival high school -- even a (valium-addicted?) teacher who, minutes before, tells her class that "learning stenography can mean the difference between a mediocre job and a bad job" or something to that effect. This movie is recommended for anyone who wants to see a young Hasselhoff in an afro.

Gregory Pietsch, gregory@cji.com
REVENGE OF THE FIST OF FURT (FURY?) (1977?)
A movie that incorporates new all-time lows into the standards of kung-fu film-making. Not only does this film have no predecessing vehicle to base it on, (no way could this be a worthiable sequel to Bruce Lee's Fists of Fury, minus the 't' in 'Fury') but on it's own it's convoluted, confusing, horribly editted, and badly dialogued. And every-body is kung-fu fighting like flailing road-kill.

The plot involves two aging martial-arts masters who resume a life-long feud of back-and-forth vindication (standard stuff that just gets worse). Our hero in this tale is Pang - a budding young student of the nicer feuding-master, who shows a great talent for the fighting art. Concerned with his masters now-feeble combat abilities, he steps-in to take-up his master's plight and in the fight loses his eye.Common rookie mistake.

The rest of the picture pans-out very slowly,as the young warrior regains his abilities, learns to live with a handicap, falls in love with a girl who lives with her grand-father and a midget, then subsequently saves her from rape from two Japanese Samuri's who do nothing but corner her and try to kiss her, and finally - returns to his school to resume the fight, armed only with a boat-paddle, arriving just after 50 of his brother's have been killed by the more evil-master. It all ends with a fatal, elaborate knife throw to his infamous foe that makes you wonder,'How did those gaffers make that knife fly so straight?'

Even on it's own without MSTing, it's a super-hoot, and a real scream to watch.

Frank Lund, w.bate@sk.sympatico.ca
REVENGE OF THE LIVING ZOMBIES (aka FLESHEATER and ZOMBIE NOSH) (1994)
It's hard for me to do this. It's so bad that you can't help but love this rip-off of NOTLD. The plot: a group of teenagers go out into deserted woodland on some old farm, someone releases a zombie (the same guy who played the original zombie in NOTLD) from a coffin, it's only a matter of time before everyone is running (slowly) for their lives. Now what makes this movie so bad you ask? Is it the bad special, or in this case not so special, effects? Is it the bad acting which at one point looks like it belongs in a porno? Or is it the shower scene that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie? You watch and be the judge. I must mention something good about the movie, other than all the laughs, in this lovable flick not one person is spared. Don't hope that your favorite character will be the one to live through the horror, unless you're cheering on the zombies, you will feel very disappointed. *Although you're favorite character is bound to come back.
Jose A. Villar, mvillar@compuserve.com
REVENGE OF THE SHOGUN WOMEN
A late-night channel surf in college came across this one. Poorly dubbed even for a bad Japanese movie, it features a gang of evil Shogun-ish men whose leader's secret weopon is his pony-tail. They are up against a group of Ninja women, who have shaved heads and surpises of their own. It is quite likely the worst movie I've ever seen, including Manos and Santa vs. the Martians. Extremely good for MST3K.
Tom Reece, treece@pop.iquest.net
ROADKILL
Okay, there's this guy driving along on the road, rambling on about nothing in voiceover. He runs some other guy down. Then, for no reason whatsoever, the first guy decides to not only take the other guy's wallet, but to assume his identity (?). So he goes into a hotel and gets a girl to think he's this other guy, and she has sex with him. Then this third guy shows up and, believing the first guy to be the second guy, he beats the first guy up, and there's Monty Pythonesque geysers of blood flying around. Suddenly it's over. Now, I liked Blood Hook, but this one, which was written and directed by the guy who wrote Blood Hook, serves as proof that any quality Blood Hook had was the result of Jim Mallon. With a cameo appearance by my screenwriting teacher, who keeps her back to the camera the whole time (gee, I wonder why?). Memorable quote from my screenwriting teacher while showing our class the film: "Guys, this isn't supposed to be funny!"
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu
ROBOT CARNIVAL (original title ROBOTO KANIBAURU) (1987) A.P.P. Co., Ltd.
Robot Carnival was the WORST anime I've ever seen, and I'm a massive anime fan! It was just a bunch of incredibly boring short films about robots!(Except for A Tale of Two Robots...that was pretty funny!) It's the biggest honk-shoo since Killer Shrews!
The West Virginian, bilica@prodigy.net
ROBOT JOX (1991) Empire Pictures/Altar Productions
THIS is a movie that is *VERY* MSTable. Basically it takes Rock 'em Sock 'em robots to a bigger, more pathetic level. The Internet Movie Database describes it as "The ultimate killing machine. Part Man. Part Metal." but that's not the movie I recall. The movie I saw a while ago on Cinemax is about the USA and the Soviet Union fighting over landmass in a pseudo boxing/wrestling match for Robots. A movie that makes you wonder if people still care any more.
Kevin Sigmund, bshrimp@together.net

[Editor's note: I'd just like say that Joe Haldeman, the long-time sf author who wrote the script for this movie, usually produces quality writing. When he was the guest of honor at Bayfilk V, he was telling everyone how excited he was to be involved in the making of a movie. Poor guy.]

ROBOT WARS (1993) Full Moon Entertainment/Paramount Pictures
If you have the bad luck to see this lousy crud, I hope you have a strong stomach or a MSTing ability that enables you to withstand this brand of film. This film features YET ANOTHER post-apocalyptic desert landscape, which makes me wonder if there are any post-apocalyptic films that are set in a frozen world or something. But before I get horribly off topic, it is in America after the much-prophesied nuclear war, and one of the prime business attractions is (I swear to God I ain't making this up) riding on the back of a giant war robot that was the only one left after the war. The opening scene features this, and also introduces the lead actor and his unmercifully annoying sidekick, and we also learn that for some idiotic reason the war robot is still used to fight, in fact, while it is actually carrying passengers! In the opening scene, even! Our heroes also appear to be fighting the same guys from Godzilla vs. Monster X. Anyway, we later discover the brainy lady reporter, soon to become the heroine (duh), that our hero is a drunkard (which makes him even more lovable, besides being the ultimate jerk), and that his Obligatory Sidekick can quote John Wayne (horrors!).

Eventually, the (almost nonexistent)plot reveals that evil Japanese (gosh, I thought all the stereotypically evil Japanese people were killed off in the war movies in 1945!) want to steal the war robot (which looks like a giant scorpion, which raises this movie to new heights of unoriginality)right out from the Obligatory Crusty Commander's nose. However, the just plain truly annoying sidekick remembers that his miner dad had once found odd-looking machinery out near a replica American suburb and combines this with strange photos taken by the reporter, and the Unholy Annoying Trio manages to find the other last war robot, which was buried underneath the replica town (So that's where I left it! I coulda sworn I left it on the countertop next to the TV!). Anyway, this movie must be seen to be believed, and MSTied to be accepted. Please rip it without mercy.

Currie1501@aol.com

[Editor's note: This is the sequel to Robot Jox but did not involve Joe Haldeman.]

ROCKET MAN (1997) Buena Vista
This is just horrifying. They bring in news and just run it into the ground. I laughed in the part when the guy was in the isolation tube, but no more. The movie was like any basic Adam Sandler plot..... Guy has dream, runs into girl, has crush on girl, something happens, girl begins to like guy, the thing guy has problem with is resolved for some reason, dream gets resolved, the end. How can a guy so smart be so dumb?
Cedric Henry, henrykid@paulbunyan.net
ROLLERBALL (1975) United Artists
Set in the distant future, a roller ball is the most popular game, and the most violent. Yet the title is decieving. The actual roller ball matches only take up about probably 15 minutes of the entire movie; the rest of the movie is comprised of totally uncomprehensible dialogue and absolutely abstract scenes. The MST3K gang would probably be begging that this movie would end after the first 10 minutes; or they would probably wonder why they don't have a remote control in the movie room.
John Leon, kvwj90b@prodigy.com
ROLLER BLADE (1985)
The box says "Bodacious Babes fight to save an embattled world." True that indeed. It is the story of rollerskate wearing post-apocalyptic lesbian battle nuns who worship smiley faces and are led by the wheel-chair bound, and yet still wearing rollerskates, Mother Speed. The story includes a nefarious plot concocted by an evil hand puppet. Some of the better story elements are the holy hot tub, the magical dog, the most sterotypical gay characters in movie history, a street thug named Waco and a musician who plays the harmonica and a two-by-four and is somehow able to create authentic full-band blue-grass sounds. Did I mention he wears a colander for a hat? And for the coup-de-grace, there is an evil playground. Oh yeah, everyone speaks in some kind of mixed up Shakespearean dialect and are constantly saying "Yea verily!" in the most out of context situations. Watch the Dogs face when Mother Speed goes into her trance. Over and out.
Crary Myers, lmyers@panther.middlebury.edu
ROLLER BOOGIE (1979)
Roller Boogie is just about on the same level as Zombie Nightmare. I can't remeber who the stars attorney befriends a couple of roller skating nuts... disco style, even. Anyway, this rag deserves to be MSTed... [...] Roller Boogie... a film you'd hate to see wasted.
Jonathan L. Bare, jlbare@acs.bu.edu
(Taken from rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc)
ROLLERBOYS (aka PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS) (1991)
I think it was set in the future, with these kids on rollerblades (the good guys) up against some big drug lord or some such, with plans for world-domination-through-drugs. I can't say for sure, as it was 4 years ago that I saw it, and I wasn't really enthused at the time about watching it. I mean, my God, it was called Rollerboys....
Pat Johanneson, johannes@austin.brandonu.ca
R.O.T.O.R. (1989) Westwind Pictures
Filmed in Dallas Texas, this movie combines bad acting, a Desert Eagle that changes hands constantly, and a cheezy robotic motorcycle cop with a bad moustache to make the worst film ever.

I would recommend it for MST3K, but it's too dangerous.

Please understand, this movie has one hundred and eighty continuity errors and counting.

It's horrible. It's rare. See it.

Lonny, lonny@texas.net

I saw this one several years back, and I still wake up screaming. Basically, this is a Z-grade Terminator-meets-Robocop flick, and it is almost as much fun as a Drano high colonic. Drs. Coldyron (pronounced Cold Iron; clever, no?) and Steele build "the ultimate law enforcement robot", which of course goes bad. This movie makes Manos: The Hands of Fate look like Total Recall. View with caution... and painkillers.

Psychoitus@aol.com

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com