MSTable movies: L

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FABULOUS STAINS (1981) Paramount Pictures
Godawful flick with Diane Lane (pulling off the same kind of shtick to much better effect in Streets of Fire), Christine Lahti, Laura Dern and many other people who have never worked since. The story is about a punk-rock band... sort of. Because if you know anything at all about the music industry, you'll die laughing. MST3Kable on many levels. Lou Adler (Rocky Horror...) produced.
Serdar, syegul@ix.netcom.com
LADY IN A CAGE (1964) AIP
Oooh, ooh, this one is way cool... Olivia de Havilland is this disabled lady in a nightgown, see, and she gets caught in her elevator during a power outage, see, and James Caan (I think!) is this like greasy hoodlum type who breaks in and bugs her, see, and he has this like kicky druggie girlfriend, see, and they're gonna rip her off, see, but they end up with Caan getting his eyes poked out by Olivia, see, and he runs outta the house and gets his head squashed by a car! Cool! A natural! Many thumbs up!
aleq@spiritone.com
THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988) Vestron Video
Lair of the White Worm is Ken Russell's retelling of a story by Bram Stoker (you know, the Dracula guy?). It features a rich young woman (L.A. Law's Amanda Donohoe) who goes about seducing and killing young men when she turns into some sort of white worm. I must admit, there were some decent special effects which elevates this film just slightly above the average Roger Corman flick.
Rob Vicary, robvic@ebtech.net
LAKE OF DRACULA (original title NOROI NO YAKATA: CHI O SUU ME) (aka BLOODSUCKING EYES and BLOODTHIRSTY EYES and DRACULA'S LUST FOR BLOOD and JAPULA and LAKE OF DEATH) (1971) United Productions of America/Toho
Few things could be more terrifying than the idea of Toho films (the Godzilla people) trying to create a Hammer horror movie... But sometimes nightmares come true.

A descendent of the great Count Dracula moves from Transylvania to Japan, where he proceeds to suck blood and cause kung-fu battles with hospital workers. The plot is a bit confusing, but could probalby have been worse. The really interesting thing about this movie is the vampire himself... He's played by a Japanese actor, and dubbed with an accent which is hard to identify... Perhaps the original Count moved to Romania from Japan? :)

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com

Luther runs away from the old lady he kills and ends up at a remote farm where he ties up the woman who lives in the house to her bed. Her slutty, super white-trash daughter and her boyfriend arrive at the house and after a brief check to try and find the tied up woman, have sex.

Whle going at it the dumb boyfriend hears Luther driving away in his car. The boyfriend chases him and get killed, meanwhile, the daughter finds her mother, cries, and leaves her there.

The daughter runs away, the mother untangles herself, and is chased by Luther for the last hour and fifteen minutes of the movie before she finally kills Luther.

This movie sucks. Local acting, directed by a college student, and the opening scene (the parole board deciding Luther's case) is soooo bad that I watched it twice just to make sure that I didn't dream it.

Tristan Abbott, wally@usa.net
LAKER GIRLS (1990) made for TV
Starring a pre-Baywatch Alexandra Paul and a post-Family Ties Tina Yothers and cameo appearance of Miss Jean Simmons!

3 plucky gals share a beach house and work together to attain the ultimate goal in life--to be an L.A. Laker girl. Will Tina get to date one of the Lakers? Will Alexandra reveal that she's actually a rich-girl heiress? Will the girls all live in the glory that is the L.A.Laker girls?

This was one of the worst movies I ever saw. I was held spellbound in horrid fascination. It's ripe for viewing by Mike and the 'bots.

Jill Scurato, scurato@pucc.Princeton.EDU
THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT (1975) American International Pictures
More like "The Land of Plastic Dinosaurs". Well, I first saw this when I was about four or five, and I thought the dinosaurs (what I remember seeing of them, anyway) were pretty neat, being totally into dinosaurs like I was way back then...

When I was ten or so, I found out that this little celluloid bikky was based on a novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs (the creator of Tarzan), about some sailors who blunder into a mysterious island where dinosaurs still survive, and coexist alongside primitive men. But the truly sci-fi aspect of the story kicks in as the intrepid explorers venture further north... and they note that the further north they go, the more advanced and civilized the primitives are...

Jump to over ten years later. Dad rents the very film from Blockbuster, and I sit and watch it. Oh dear lord, the dinos were so obviously flopping around like the miniature puppets they are... The aspects of the novel were barely touched on in the film... It was embarrassing to watch... ugh. Just try to keep a straight face in the scene where the submarine is attacked by sea beasts, and the heroes fend off one pesky critter. And the island suffers a volcanic eruption, just as the prehistoric islands usually do in movies of this sort, and all but the main hero and his main squeeze are able to leave the island in time. But the hero and his lady survive, and toss a message in a bottle off a cliff, into the sea.

The people who made this bit of film made two follow-up films, also based on Burroughs novels: At the Earth's Core (I saw a tiny fragment of this; lots of guys in rubber monster suits) and The People that Time Forgot (some big 'ol dinos in this one, but barely).

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com
THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982)
I couldn't figure this one out. Who's the virgin supposed to be? My best guess is the droopy-eyed, slow-witted kid playing the lead, but he and his friends visit a hooker in the first reel, leaving the last 70 minutes for some dopey story about the kid falling in love with Diane Franklin (from Better Off Dead and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure among others). She never really falls for him, and instead, gets knocked up by some other kid. The first kid springs for an abortion, only to have her blow him off later. So what? Interspersed with this maudlin 30 minutes worth of plot are meaningless encounters that the lead kid has with a nymphomaniac Charo-impersonator, and a case of the crabs. Makes Porky's look like Shakespeare. Also features nasally voiced Kimmy Robertson who later went on to star in all kinds of other bad movies, not to mention "Twin Peaks".
Brian J. Bergevin, bergevb@bsk.com
THE LAST DINOSAUR (1977) (TV)
Although it was a made for TV movie in 1977, I think that you would be hard-pressed to find a worse film than "The Last Dinosaur" starring Richard Boone and Joan Van Ark. This film was made to be MSTed!!!
"DavCarIn@realppp"@concentric.net
THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY
[Y]our average 80's slasher flick right?, wrong.

I think this movie was directed by steven tyler of Aerosmith, the acting is horrible, the filming is even worse, and in one scene a girl hits her head against a window on accident!

the ending makes no sense, theres a "dream within a dream" and uh......they use words like queer-bag in it.

Doug Haddow, dhaddow@awinc.com
LAUGH AND A HALF (1993)
I made this movie when I was about ten years old with some friends of mine. We did some "comedy" sketches, and we had some shoddy special effects made by turning the camcorder upside down. Few people have ever seen this, and I'm not going to show it to them.
Attmay, ansch002@acpub.duke.edu
THE LAWNMOWER MAN (1992) Allied Vision Productions/Fuji Eight Company Ltd./New Line Cinema
In my humble estimation, the worst semblance of a film ever dredged out of a Stephen King story. The original plot was most likely run through something much worse than a lawnmower, judging from the end result. A guy performs virtual reality experiments on his Forrest Gump-type gardener, somehow turning him into a super-genius with psychic powers. Filled with cartoony computer animation, to boot, and the ending is left wide open for yet still more degenerative sequels as the VR guy puts himself into a Space Camp gravity trainer and in this manner manages to assimilate himself into a computer system. The first thing he does is to make every phone in the world start ringing. Perhaps in keeping with the, er, "plot," this film transcends mere badness and achieves a higher level of loathsomeness: Deep Hurting.
Erica Drescher, ADresc9197@aol.com
LAWNMOWER MAN II
I don't remember everything since it was a long time ago but I remember it being very dumb, with bad graphics and bad actors.
Juuls, Sharki24@aol.com
LEATHER JACKETS (1992)
basically, this is a 50s gang movie gone horribly wrong. for one thing, it takes place in present-day. it's the whole "guy is trying to make a good life for himself and his girl, but a friend from the past when the 2 of them were in a gang, shows up and fouls everything up."

and this movie is truly foul. this is not The Princess Bride for Cary Elwes.

Mike Leipold, leipold@ruth.butler.edu
THE LEGEND OF ALFRED PACKER
The Legend of Alfred Packer is about the story when Alfred Packer went in the Rocky Mountains and was forced to eat his colleagues. It is very slow and has really CHEESY MUSIC and no interesting parts and as Mike and the bots would say is HONKSHU movie as in Honk-Shoooo!
R.B. Nurse, nurser@jsd.k12.ak.us
THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972)
This "docudrama" basically revolves around some guy in a surplus Chewbacca suit (the Bogmonster) terrorizing a bunch of hicks in Fouk, Arkansas. Some highlights include the fact that almost everyone in the movie has the last name Crabtree (hmm, inbreeding, from hicks? naaa.) The fact that it is pitch green out during the night, a "footprint" with "three toes" that looks suspiciously like a handprint with five fingers. A redneck who, when running from the monster, jumps headfirst through a thick wooden door, and goes unconscious from "fright". Last, but definately not least, is how, after the climactic final battle, the local sheriff comes, inspects the area, and proclaims "there are panther tracks under the house" to which the lead hick replies "You mean there was a panther here too?"

This movie certainly needs MSTing, and my friend swears he heard a reference to it in some other MST. A combonation of bad acting, a cheesy monster, and shotgun toting hicks results one of the best (worst) movies I've ever seen.

Patrick Nelson, pnelson@inet.net
LEGEND OF DINOSAUR
The movie Legend of Dinosaur, is yet another example of your classic 1970's Japanesse monster movie. I really have a hard time deciding what is worse. The plot, the costumes, or the writers grasp of science. I can always tell a good cheesy monster flick by how far out they reach for a scientific explanation of the plot. the biggest brainchild of this movie is the head scientist deduction after the appearence of a pleisosaur in a nearby lake that "if there is a pleisosaur, there must be a pterodactyl' and a level 5 earthquake. The monster costumes are great too. they've got those great painted on eyes like Gamara had except his were done better. One of the best scenes in the movie is when the pleisosaur attacks some divers. It was so funny I had to rewind it and watch it again three more times. The whole mood of the movie was enhanced by the soundtrack. A movie of this quality deserves a disco soundtrack this terrible. All in all, i'ld say this is a hell of a movie and would definately make and interesting episode not to mention a great rental.
Rob Hutchins, tinkbell@together.net
THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER (1981) Universal Pictures
This awkward attempt to fill the shoes of the original ranger , Clayton Moore, might have been even half-assed if not for an awkward dubbing of the new lead, Klinton Spilsbury. Spilsbury often sounds like a bad imitation of 'Brawny'. Merle Haggard's voice-over narration doesn't help much either.The plot culminates over an attempt by some bandits to kidnap the President played by Jason Robards. Over-use of the 'William Tell-Overture' and Spilsbury's unconvincing appearance as the 'legendary' lawman doesn't amount to alot. At the time, this film was billed as something of a hit waiting to happen, but then nothing ever really did.
Frank Lund, w.bate@sk.sympatico.ca
LEONARD PART 6 (1987) Columbia Pictures
A horrific plot involving animals taking over the world is the basis of this movie. Bill Cosby and the ever-wonderful Joe Don Baker 'act' in this movie, and not too well, I might add. It is ripe for riffing-it seems to be a big ad for soap and Coca Cola. Even Bill Cosby told audiences not to go. It's really stupefying that someone could be responsible for manufacturing this piece of mind-boggiling crap.
Marc Munroe, marc_a@atcon.com

I saw this once, when I was about 12, and I still remember Bill Cosby flying off a roof on an ostrich, a bunch of frogs making a car jump into the water, and members of the villianous "Vegetarians" shrieking in terror and yelling "Don't Beef Me" as Cosby threw hot dogs and hamburgers at them. Any movie that memorable has to really suck.

Matt Davis, msdavis@ews.uiuc.edu
LEPRECHAUN (1993) Trimark Pictures
This one should be an obvious choice. Warwick Davis (aka Wicket the Ewok) runs around shouting about how "Me want me gold!" while murdering various people in sundry stupid ways (a pogo stick?!). How this could generate two sequels is beyond me. The leads are that guy from the late-80s hokey SF series Super Force and, believe it or not, Jennifer Aniston of Friends, so those who are fans of that show (myself not included) will have a little something extra to savor.
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu
THE LEPRECHAUN'S GOLD
It is a short little Christmas kiddie movie that really is pointless...so much strife could be avoided if the characters had brains. I think that the bots could do a great job driving a Christmas MAC TRUCK through the holes in the plot. If you value the mental stability of yourself and your children, only watch this film with an MST-ish glow. ho ho ho...
sxs96@uno.cc.geneseo.edu
LETHAL NINJA (1993)
A Nazi bad guy manufactures chemical weapons on a Southeast Asian island. Oh and he kidnaps our hero's dumb blonde girlfriend. Our musclebound hero (everybody now: Slab Hardrock, Stump Largehuge, etc.) teams up with a black guy to rescue her. The acting is awful all-around, and the top secret chemical weapons factory looks more like a water slide! Our hero and his sidekick crawl through a secret passageway and end up in (dun-dun-dun) a roller rink complete with ninjas on rollerskates! There's a weird torture scene with our lethal ninja suspended over an electrified grate with a chain dangling from his belt. Unforgettably bad!
danc@nb.net
LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971) Paramount Pictures/The Jessica Company
The movie stars Zohra Lambert. A woman and her "friends" try to scare a rich woman. That's all I can really remember about the plot. The movie is bad because on film quality, "slow" plot and, most of all, BAD ACTING!
[unknown]@nethost.multnomah.or.us

Rebuttal

LEVIATHAN (1989) Gordon Company/MGM
This movie tries to rip off the Abyss while attempting to be scary. It's just stupid. There is no point. Daniel Stern dies early. So does the plot.
Matt131232@aol.com
LIFEFORCE (1985) Cannon Group/Golan-Globus/TriStar
Based on what is reportedly a good book, co-written by Dan O'Bannon, who did good movies like Alien and Return of the Living Dead, and directed by Tobe Hooper, who did good movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Poltergeist. One would logically think that these elements would all add up to a good movie. It doesn't. Naked space vampires traveling in a spaceship in Haley's Comet come to London and turn its population into soulsucking zombies. Doesn't sound boring, does it? It is, and extremely so. The lead actors are so wooden that you could destroy the space vampires by driving *them* into their hearts. With an exploding Patrick Stewart.
Brian Reubelt, reub6707@uwwvax.uww.edu
THE LIFT
I don't even know if this (Danish? Swedish? Something European) movie needs MST. A friend and I rented it one night in hopes of finding truly the worst film on the shelf (we missed the Nick Zedd collection that night). After seeing the catchy tagline on the cover of this film about a killer elevator ("Take the stairs! Take the stairs! For god sakes, take the stairs!"), we knew we'd found our movie. Features horrible and riff'able dinner family dinner conversation ("Daddy, when do I get breasts?"), and a ludicrous plot about a computerized "intelligent" elevator that gets some gremlins in its chips and starts killing its passengers. Don't miss the incomprehensible scene where the computer malfunction is explained by the professor, which features dialogue which would put Edward D. Wood, Jr. to shame. Also has some of the worst jump cuts and dubbing errors I have ever witnessed, often at the same time (the heroic elevator repairman is having an argument with his employer inside a factory while he walks towards the door. In the middle of a sentence, suddenly they are outside the factory. However, the same sentence continues uninterrupted). Not to be missed.
ishmael@gnu.ai.mit.edu
LIGHTBLAST (1985)
A mad scientist develops a deadly laser weapon which causes liquid crystal to explode and melt people, blows up some large digital clocks with it, and attempts to make millions in blackmail money. Fortunately for the city, a hero rises to stop this menace, a hero who believes in chasing people around in old cars and shooting until everyone is dead!

From the first minutes of the film in which Our Hero rescues some hostages by cleverly concealing a silenced gun in a turkey, it's pretty easy to tell it's going to be one of *those* movies. And in the genre of *those* movies, this is an outstandingly amusing gun concealing bird of a film. Between the ultraviolent attitude of the hero, the apparent foot fetish of the camera man, and the tendency for people to get hit by cars (worth watching for the VW Bug hitting a pedestrian) this movie represents all that is bad (which is most everything) in the action genre. Add to this some brilliant dialog ("Get those son-of-a-bitches!" is that gramatically correct?), an attack nurse, and a ludicrous super weapon, and you're still only scratching the surface of how bad this film is. Watch it and feel the pain. Definitely good MST3K material, though there are some graphic scenes of people melting, portrayed in all the gritty realism of claymation. One last appropriate quote: "That man's not too smart, is he Strike?" -- old man to his dog.

Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
LITTLE MAN TATE (1991)
I saw this movie years ago, but I still remember how bad it was. It was about a child prodigy, which could be the subject of a good movie, and when you add Jodie Foster, you'd think it would be good, right? Well, even the best have their days off. The scene that stays in my mind was what must have been the climax of the movie, in which the child's mom saves a kid from drowning. I'm not entirely sure what it had to do with the plot. The rest of the movie is basically the mother and her son dealing with his intelligence and her lack of money to help him develop his abilities. I can see the bots ripping on some of the scenes, like when a group of gifted children is taking part in a quiz-show type thing and answering questions that most people wouldn't even understand. Of course, I couldn't blame them if they fell asleep, either. I would have remembered more about the movie if I hadn't dozed off myself.
Jonathan Peters, japeters+@andrew.cmu.edu
THE LITTLE RASCALS (1994) Universal Pictures
As a stand-alone, this absurd "remake" is simply not funny. In light of the beautiful little children it seeks to enshrine (as if they needed help from these lightweights) it is a desecration.

It is without question the vilest movie I have ever seen. It is far and away THE worst film of any era. Period!

Jay Crosby, jcrosby@valleynet.com
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
I only saw a little of this movie, but it was enough to tell it's ideal MST3K fodder. Basically, it's the classic fairy tale turned into a musical, with a few changes. For example, the wolf is actually a werewolf, and the woodcutter is a prince (Craig T. Nelson) that's trying to kill the wolf so that he may kick his evil brother (Nelson again) out of the throne. The Evil brother is also a werewolf, for some reason. Oh, and I think Red's cloak is supposed to be magical or something. Granted, this is a kid's movie, but I can't imagine any kids watching this. Maybe this is one of those movies parents put on when junior won't go to bed...
Craxton, sbelloti@loyola.edu
THE LODGER (1926) Wardour Films Ltd.
Talk about nauseating! Alfred Hitchcock (who DID direct, I am not joking) should not be the one to blame, but the bad disgusting sights. Sure of course it was done back in 1926, but ugh!! In this movie, it looks like the main characters are suffering from a bad case of the flu. You could just get sick watching this movie. I came across it on WYCC (who did also show The Manxman, another silent film I sent in here done by Alfred Hitchcock. Yes, I did say Alfred Hitchcock). However, there was a lame remark in one of the few captioning scenes about a toothbrush! (Crappy) Just have some Tylenol Sinus, Advil, Aleve. If you watched this, you might need it! Not for the pain, but for all the ailments you'd feel by watching it. Both this and The Manxman have this nauseating feel when watching them.
Russell Christiansen, russ@megsinet.net
THE LONE STAR KID
It was on PBS in the mid-80s and co-starred James Earl Jones. It's the semi-true story of a 12-year-old kid in Houston who runs for mayor of his podunk town. It was badly directed by Anson Williams (a.k.a. Potsie). The highlight of this film, for me anyway, is the guy who is onscreen for about 15 seconds, dying in a car wreck. I like that part because I am the guy. I was 15, young, foolish, and stupid, and I'm very, very sorry.
Scott Repass, dcallaw@mailhost.tcs.tulane.edu
LOOKER (1981) Warner Brothers
Learn a new definition of "disaster" when Michael Crichton is allowed to write AND direct! Starring Susan Dey as the world's greatest supermodel, Albert Finney as her plastic surgeon, and James Coburn as a power-mad bad guy who goes around paralyzing folks with a strobe light. Vanna White also appears.

This thing is so cheap that they didn't even bother to build sets! They just put the action at a television station, justifying shooting lots of soundstages and obviously fake offices.

Curt Wiederhoeft, cjw9505@Jetson.uh.edu
LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO (1990) TriStar Pictures
How did Hollywood ever get the idea that any movie with a baby in it is automatically a big hit? They must have had that faulty premise in mind for this stinker, because that's what tries to carry it. That, and about 80 potty training jokes. This movie has NO PLOT AT ALL, so don't waste your time looking for one. The characters from the first movie are joined by two new kids (the voices of Roseanne Barr and Damon Wayans.) in coming inches away from utterly destroying their careers. Joe Bob Briggs actually gave this movie zero stars. It should not be watched under any circumstances, except at an MST3K party, and even then only if every other video is sold out.
Craxton, sbelloti@loyola.edu
LORDS OF THE DEEP (1989)
This film, the last of the 1989 Abyss ripoffs, is by far the worst. In comparison, Deep Star Six seems a work of art. In this particular variation on the undersea base theme, a group of people are underwater doing some experiments of a never-very-well-explained nature when they encounter giant intelligent sting ray creatures which are able to turn into goo or something. The miniature effects aren't too bad for a movie of this budget, but the creatures are amazingly bad. They look like papier-mache blobs painted blue, with lightbulbs inserted in the heads. In any case, as it turns out, the stingray-goo-things are friendly, and the only threats are Bradford Dillman and Producer/Actor Roger Corman (gasp!). Amusing for fans of bad effects and overacting, but pretty slow and uninvolving.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
LOSIN' IT (1983) Embassy Pictures/Pan-Canadian Film Distributors
Shelley Long had already spent a year on "Cheers" when this little gem came out. She's lucky it didn't torpedo her carrer right then and there. Some greasy California kids are making their way down to Tijuana to get (pick one): hookers, fireworks, new upholstery, a purpose in life. They pick up Long, on the run from her husband, along the way and convince her that she can get a divorce in T.j., so she jumps right in. Then they hack her body to pieces on a lonely dirt road and let the buzzards eat her. Actually, that doesn't happen, but it would have made a better film. Instead, they have the standard comic misadventures, get chased by a bunch of Mexicans, and Long rides a donkey before everyone packs up and heads back to the U.S., none the wiser. Long used this film as a learning experience, obviously learning how to pick awful movies to star in.
Brian J. Bergevin, bergevb@bsk.com
LOST HIGHWAY (1997) PolyGram/October Films
Well, so far, the only David Lynch movies I could really follow are Dune and The Elephant Man. But last night, I finally saw Lost Highway. Where should I begin?

It seems to be about some saxophone player named Fred (Bill Pullman) and his sweet (stale) biscuit wife Rene (Patricia Arquette, or Mrs. Nicolas Cage) who keep finding videotapes of themselves on their front doorstep... They call the police. They hump, almost unenthusiastically. They go to a party where Fred meets some creepy pasty-faced little man with no eyebrows (Satan? No, Robert Blake, looking nothing like Baretta (spelling?)) who is somehow capable of being in two places at once (he proves this by having Fred call him at his (Fred's) home). Back at home, Fred watches a tape of himself kneeling over his murdered wife... and is summarily put on Death Row... somehow he turns into some guy named Pete (Balthazar Getty) who is released from prison and returned to his parents (Gary Busey and some lady whose name escapes me.) Pete hangs out with his friends, makes out with his girlfriend Sheila (Natasha Gregson Wagner... oh, who cares?), and all the while the police keep tabs on him. Pete works on cars for some apparent mobster named Mr. Eddy (Robert Loggia), who has a sweet (but stale) biscuit moll named Alice (Arquette again), and soon enough Pete and Alice are making the two-backed beastie a couple times. Alice fesses up that Mr. Eddy is using her to make porno movies, and yadda yadda yadda. Pete and Alice make plans to split from their situation and steal some stuff, and a guy with a thin mustache winds up getting his head cracked open on a table. Pete and Alice flee to the desert to this hut that burns in reverse, where they hump some more, then while Alice walks away naked, Pete abruptly turns into... Fred! Fred? Fred puts on Pete's scattered clothes (why do they fit him now?), goes into the hut to find the creepy no-eyebrows guy there, and Fred takes his revenge on Dick Laurent (Loggia again), aided by the creepy guy. And then Fred screams off into the desert with the police in hot pursuit, and abruptly something I can hardly hope to describe happens... and that's that.

Well. This was rather like watching one of those oddball, long foreign films you sometimes can see on Bravo... only this was in English. I should know better than to dare to besmirch the name of David Lynch (hell, I like weird stuff, but, well, er maybe David Lynch is too weird for even me?), but this movie... it was like a porno with more plot and less sex. The only good things this movie has going for it are the soundtrack, Mr. Eddy's extreme way of dealing with a tailgater, and the surprisingly short cameo appearance by apparently evil rocker Marilyn Manson as a porno actor in a porno film (I had thought that his tattoos would be covered up and he'd have a mustache and curly-haired wig slapped on him, but nope)... and the whole bizarro dream-like quality of the movie.

Otherwise, it seems like good MST3K fodder. Really. There's a lot of dead air between the bits of dialogue. Well, cut out the sex scenes or block out the nudity, and it's fine.

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com

I'd been warned about seeing a David Lynch film, and now I know why. The first 30 minutes is absolutely without DIALOGUE. It opens up with some guy at a night club blowing furiously, mindlessly into a saxophone, and then it cuts to his house where he and his wife are sitting in their grey, minimalist home. To break the thick veil of silence Lynch had the so-called jazz "musician" ask his wife what she was reading. The bland twentysomething giggled flatly and replied, "You always make me laugh. That's why I married you." That's pretty much the sum total of the dialogue the first hour or so of this fiasco. The couple, full of youthful piss and vinegar, then proceed to have sex, showing nothing but the "musician's" shoulder and the wife's bouncing tit- in slow motion. Later, the spicey couple go to a naked pool party in which a made-up, powder-faced man wearing black (ooo, gothic) approaches them and tells them he has been taping them in their own home...probably catching on film the couple in the act of sitting around and staring blankly and the cold, emotionless act of copulation. This completely fucks the chance of an exciting plot...although Lynch, as we soon find out, can make a murder, 2 sex scenes (to my knowledge), a car-chase, and a naked pool party boring. Later, for reasons unknown, the jazz "musician" murders his wife, and is sent to prison. After that, the story-line goes to Hell. Something involving an auto mechanic and a mobster. Don't ask me. I quit the movie after an hour of bland, grey nausea. However, I went away with a valueable morsel of knowledge: as a director and filmmaker, Lynch is a sick, boring bitch.

Jim Carroll, jcarroll@mis.net
THE LOST WORLD
I'm serious. One of our heroes steals the bullets out of a hunters gun and lets some dinos free after they have been captured. The heroine rescues a baby t-trex (so much for not interfering with nature) and mom and dad come looking for him.

What are these guys bad? A hunter can't shoot a t-rex (stolen bullets) and someone gets ate and the dinos set lose destroy a radio. The dinos atack the womans trailer and destroy it (contanting the only other radio) and eat a freind of hers trying to same here. Without radios they have to gro through heavy grass and lose 6 more guys. Two heroes indirectly lead to eight deaths because of their incredible stupidity.

Nothing the villian does leads to more than property damage when somehow a dino is freed. This an an amoral and stupid piece of sh*t. Seeing it is a waste of time.

Paul Varin, PAvarin@worldnet.att.net
THE LOST WORLD (1960) 20th Century Fox
Not the original silent classic, and not any of the versions made in the Nineties. This one came to us from Irwin Allen, the disaster flick guy. Some explorers and a dog land their helicopter on some huge plateau in South America, and find dinosaurs and primitive men living there (isn't that always the way?). A dinosaur wrecks their helicopter, they meet up with a cute cave chick, dangerous natives, giant spiders, carnivorous plants, and more dinosaurs (portrayed by lizards and alligators in makeup consisting of horns and fins), before coming to their senses and getting the hell out of there.

It was bad enough that instead of shelling out big coin to get really primo special FX, Irwin Allen instead went on the cheap by using a bunch of modern-day reptiles with rubbery appendages epoxied to their scaly hides. But what was worse was when the main old dodgy scientist guy (Claude Rains... sigh) boldly recongnized these dinosaur impersonators as dinosaurs we know and love. Even a novice on dinosaur lore would say "Geez, that's not a brontosaurus! It's a lizard with things glued to it!"

And then the poor beasts are made to act... fighting to the death, chomping unfortunate human figures...

I think there was also a subplot dealing with a hunt for treasure... oh, never mind.

Duncan Shea, sarazawa@hotmail.com
THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK (1997) Universal
Let's face it: the movie sucks. I went to see it on the premiere night and I'm lucky I didn't get tossed from the theater. I was tearing this movie to shreds. I'm not sure whether more people were paying attention to the movie or my brother and I cracking on this piece of tripe. Anyone who wants to argue that this was a good movie, I have to say only two words: Gymnastics scene. And I won't even bother to point out that the movie was about 1% accurate in comparison to the book. Joe vs. the Volcano was just as close to the book, because it also involved an island (but not Pete Posthlewaite, or as we all know him the lawyer from the Usual suspects.)
tskearns@aol.com
LOVELY BUT DEADLY (1981)
A film I saw on a ski trip in high school which proved to be so memorable that it provided joke fodder for the next three years, until all the people who had seen it graduated (we also saw some really bad anime, but I don't recall the title of that.) Lovely But Deadly features a mistress of Kung Fu who returns to high school to infiltrate the drug ring that she blames for her brother's OD death. She is occaisionally assisted by a crack team of female martial arts experts who prefer fighting in skimpy leopard-skin leotards. It also features two of the stupidest henchmen known to MSTies. There is some gratuitous nudity which will have to be cut.

The highlight of the film is a catfight between the heroine and one of the female villians. It takes place on a large buffet table, and is incredibly poorly choreographed, poorly acted, and poorly shot. And amazingly funny.

sens@netcom.com
THE LOVES OF DRACULA
Also made for tv, as a pilot for the thankfully short-lived series "Cliffhangers," this baby stars Michael Nouri (of "Flashdance" fame) as Dracula. You don't even need Mike and 'the bots -- this movie is hysterically bad. It features some of the all-time worst wardrobe I've ever seen, and some truly undead actresses. My favorite scene is when Dracula, trapped in a warehouse, attempts to escape the rising sun by leaping for a skylight high above. Aided by his vampiric powers, he's able to leap about twenty feet in the air, but he still misses and falls back again... and again... and again...
mlb@cais.com
LUGGAGE OF THE GODS! (1983)
Ever see The Gods Must Be Crazy? Similar deal here. A plane flying over some primitive-world people guys drops a trunk. You'd think wacky hijinks would result. Of course, since this is a bad movie, you'd be wrong.

The Gods Must Be Crazy had a voiceover to explain what was going on in the village of the untouched-by-modern-civilization people. This one has nothing. No subtitles to explain what these primitivey people are saying. No voice-overs. Nadda. Zilch. The entire script for this movie was a collection of stage directions. The entire story, then, is told by the physical interactions of the characters, which includes walking around and standing around. I stopped watching it after a half hour, and at that point the "luggage of the gods" had still been undiscovered. Maybe it never was discovered. A lame, cheap rip-off of the not-to-be discounted The Gods Must Be Crazy.

Edward Griffiths, griffite@msoe.edu
LUNCH MEAT (1987)
Opening with cheesily edited shots of your standard 70's movie "We're all going to die" group of 20somethings, the movie gets worse from there. It revolves around a family of rednecks who catch people in the woods and either eat them themselves or sell their meat to a local burger place. Plus there is your standard mutant son running around. All around a complete mess. Whoever directed had no clue how to use his equipment either. One scene cuts to a shot from across the street, unfortunately they also cut the sound to the camera across the street and all you hear are passing cars. All in all, an amusing mess to make fun of.
Tim Patton, guinsu@udel.edu
LURKING FEAR (1994) Full Moon Entertainment
Poor H.P. Lovecraft; his work has been abused far too much. According to an interview with the script writer, he originally wanted to make a faithful adaptation of the story, then decided he didn't feel like it,, so he wrote this mess. Monster killers and treasure hunters meet in a church, fight monsters and each other, and die with amazing rapidity (this is, after all, only a little over an hour long; people can't be allowed to last too long). The only thing left of the original story is the name Martense, though the members of the Martense clan, both normal and monstrous, bear little resemblence to the creatures in the story. Yet another waste of time to avoid.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com
LUTHER THE GEEK (1990)
This movie was filmed in my former hometown of Sterling IL, that's the only reason I rented it. I got to see a grocery store that I went to, and I house that I'd driven by before, but that was the extent of this film.

The plot goes like this: Luther Watts,(a really ugly guy with metal teeth) is paroled after 20 years in prison. As a child he we strongly effected after seeing a cirus geek bite the head off a chicken and apparently that made him a murderor. He gets out of jail, eats a raw egg, clucks like a chicken, and bites an old lady on the neck because she dropped the egg he gave her.

Luther runs away from the old lady he kills and ends up at a remote farm where he ties up the woman who lives in the house to her bed. Her slutty, super white-trash daughter and her boyfriend arrive at the house and after a brief check to try and find the tied up woman, have sex.

Whle going at it the dumb boyfriend hears Luther driving away in his car. The boyfriend chases him and get killed, meanwhile, the daughter finds her mother, cries, and leaves her there.

The daughter runs away, the mother untangles herself, and is chased by Luther for the last hour and fifteen minutes of the movie before she finally kills Luther.

This movie sucks. Local acting, directed by a college student, and the opening scene (the parole board deciding Luther's case) is soooo bad that I watched it twice just to make sure that I didn't dream it.

Tristan Abbott, wally@usa.net

Petréa Mitchell
pravn@m5p.com