It happened when I went to a local video store and decided to rent a kung-fu flick. And right there on the shelf was a video: "In Eagle Shadow Fist, *starring* Jackie Chan". "Far freakin' out," I thought, 'cause, you know, Jackie's the man. So I popped it into the VCR. Some 90 minutes later I was begging for the comparatively high production values and realism of Master Ninja. As far as the plot goes, it's World War Two and the Japanese are running around China beating the crap out of people and terrorizing and being imperialistic and stuff. They try to shut down this Chinese theater troupe but all the members smack 'em up proper in not-particularly-exciting kung fu fashion. So for the rest of the film the Japanese exact sickening yet oddly apathy-inducing revenge on the theater troupe until the troupe's leader finally kills the Japanese sargeant guy or whateverthehell he is. Some important points to note, with a MAJOR multiple spoiler alert attached, in case you ever wanna see this flick (ha!):
***JACKIE CHAN IS NOT THE STAR OF THIS FILM. Sure, his face takes up the whole /cover/ and he gets star billing, but his role is one of the younger troupe members (this film is so old Jackie doesn't even have that funky bowl haircut of his). Jackie's character drops dead about halfway through the movie after getting to participate in about two fight scenes, neither of which utilizes any ladders, stools, refrigerators, shopping carts, or mind-boggling acrobatics. (Then again, neither of them really rely that much on hand-eye coordination, either.) The actual "hero" of the film is reasonably generic and unknown and not particularly interesting to watch even when he's fighting.
***IT'S SICK AS HELL. You thought the USA's depictions of Japan during those WWII propaganda films were bad? This flick is just as gruesome: The Japanese soldiers rape a woman and then stab her to death with a scissors (or she stabs herself with them, I forget- it was pretty confusing), then they toss some five year-old kids against some rocks (they use rather disturbing-looking dummies for those shots, replete with blood-spurting heads). Yaaagh! And of course, they wind up killing off all of the likeable characters. As a matter of fact, I think they kill off *everyone*, save the theater troupe leader- which brings us to Big-Ass Problem Number Three...
*THE BIG CLIMACTIC FIGHT SCENE SUCKS. It's bad enough that most of the fighting scenes in the film were of relatively boring Jean Claude Van-Damme caliber, but you'd at least expect the last scene to be slam-bang whoop-ass. Nope. The theater troupe leader chases the Japanese soldier head honcho guy over these bluffs (rock climbing! Aaagh!), they kick each other half-heartedly, jump from bluff to bluff, bap each other some more, until finally the Chinese guy triumphs by... wait for it... *poking his opponent in the eyeballs!* Yes, that's right, he busts out with the old Moe Howard maneuver and the Japanese guy, staggering around crying blood, eventually winds up stumbling off a cliff (insert goofy-ass dummy falling down a few rocks and bouncing off the face of the cliff rather comically). And if that wasn't weird enough, the film closes with the triumphant victor standing proud while, playing majestically in the background, is the orchestral swell from the end of... dig this... the Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin"!
Arnold had his Tarzan in New York, Tommy Lee Jones had The Eyes of Laura Mars, and now Jackie Chan has a poorly-filmed skeleton in his own cinematic closet. Blech. Not to be confused with some other Japanese-tormenting-Chinese-citizens flick which really does star Jackie Chan, also with some permutation of "Eagle somethingorother" in the title. I haven't seen *that* one myself- for obvious reasons.
Nate Patrin, Nathan.P.Patrin-1@tc.umn.eduFeatures the, uh, memorable hit "'Cause I'm A Blond".
John A. Donahue, japdonah@umd5.umd.eduThe acting is comically pathetic throughout, but there are several moments that make this film stand out. When the mistress is picked up at the airport by the millionaire's FAMILY LIMOUSINE, the license plate reads "888-LIMO." At another point, the mistress and the millionaire's grandson walk the streets of New Orleans for close to three full minutes without speaking a word or so much as gesturing... just walking toward the camera, straight on.
Close to the beginning of the film, the mistress is jogging with a friend. When they stop, the friend looks at her watch and says:
"Ten minutes faster than your last time..."
TEN MINUTES? WOW!
One of my favorite things about this movie is that the acting is so bad, the script calls for the characters to describe the other characters in detail... in ways that normal people just don't talk. For example, after one character has been in more than 10 separate scenes with plenty of dialogue, another character tells her husband:
"She's a hopeless alcoholic with constant bouts of depression."
This happens several times in the film. Another example in the dialogue occurs right after the 10 minute improvement in jog time.
"Do you remember Lionel?"
"Lionel? That crazy old New Orleans millionaire?"
Check this one out... The best stuff is the bad acting, which I can't really demonstrate here.
toddcs1@prodigy.netThe first story involves the vengeful curse of an upset mother who was accidentally shot by an old lady as the result of a college prank. The mother's curse, spoken with no facial expression save wide eyes, is repeated time and again throughout this section of the film, apparently to remind the viewer what they're watching. The curse was annoyingly stupid the first time, and by the fifth, pain is beginning to set in. This section also includes a plane crash site with very intact and well-arranged victims, and the brilliant scene in which the old lady shoots the innocent youth ("Why, I've got my husband's pistol out and I certainly don't want to hurt anybody!" *BANG* "AAAAH!").
The second story involves an evil, dog-eating hole in the ground. Like the first segment, this story features tons of pointless flashbacks, lines like "Whatever's out there in that hole ain't human or animal; it's the work of the devil!", and a pointless town idiot character who runs around in overalls and mumbles incoherently.
The third and final story is the classic tale of the ghostly girl who gets a ride home only to disappear. This section contains the flashbacks which plague the film, but is helped down to even lower levels of horror by pointless melodrama and an utterly gratuitous song. This story's car accident scene makes everything worth it though; a car drives at a fairly low speed toward a bridge, then suddenly swerves as if to avoid the bridge, ending up upside-down in a river. By the end of this section, though, most viewers will be feeling more than a little stupidity pain.
Just when you think you're safe, the third section of the film is followed by a recap of the whole movie. Yep, you get to see the major events of the whole movie, mother's curse and all, *again*! If this doesn't cause permanent brain damage, count yourself lucky.
All in all, a perfect MST3K movie, with stupid accidents, funny characters who serve no apparent function, bad narration, and no budget whatsoever.
Demian Katz, katz@netaxs.com[...] 1981 movie with Franco Nero and Susan George. This is an Action-Adventrue. A Ninjitsu master takes on 12 Ninja warriors as well as petroleum executives out to control the world's oil fields.
Tara Sharlau, taramisu@ix.netcom.comThis movie was not scary enough to be rated R. The only thing it is really good for is the great, funny, wise-cracks of Mike and the Bots!
Richard Mason, masonrm@vianet.on.caIf you can find this movie you will understand a new meaning of the old critics line: "I've seen better film on teeth."
James Zeirke, jzeirke@execpc.comBasically this movie sucks. You would think with such actors as Ackroyd and Delaney it would be somewhat salvagable. Ackroyd in his younger years was a brilliant comic actor, however in this film, he is tired and flat. I saw Delaney on Broadway in Translations by Brian Friel, and she was wonderful. I do not know what she was doing in this film. As for O' Donnell, well, she is a stand-up comedian, not an actress. The whole premise of the movie is that two cops travel to a hedonistic "Fantasy" Island undercover to trap a thief. Delaney is the "mistress" of the island. The rest is absolute crap. I suffered through probably more than three fourths of it before I finally shook off my glazed eyes and open drooling mouth, and reached over and turned it off. I'll finish my review with a simple quote from Salinger's Holden Caulfield, "Don't see it if you don't want to puke all over yourself".
Tara E. Sparks, sparkste@wfu.edu